Today's category: CopsBackup!      A young man decided to join the police force. As a recruit he was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"      He answered, "Call for backup."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: GodGod is Watching      Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Christian school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. Someone had written a note and placed it next to the apples. It read, "Take only one, God is watching."      Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.      One little boy wrote his own note and snuck it next to the cookies, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: PrayerThe Combination      The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it.      Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial.      After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment.      Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently.      Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock.      The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said.      "It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: SatanOne For You, One For Me      On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.      Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.      Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: FathersThe Truth About Dad      One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"      The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep with Daddy."      A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: ChurchThe Cleaning Woman      There was a little old cleaning woman that went to the local church. When the invitation was given at the end of the service, she went forward wanting to become a member. The pastor listened as she told him how she had accepted Jesus and wanted to be baptized and become a member of the church.      The pastor thought to himself, "oh my, she is so unkempt, even smells a little, and her fingernails are not clean. She picks up garbage, cleans toilets - what would the members think of her." He told her that she needed to go home and pray about it and then decide.      The following week, here she came again. She told the pastor that she had prayed about it and still wanted to be baptized. "I have passed this church for so long. It is so beautiful, and I truly want to become a member."      Again the pastor told her to go home and pray some more. A few weeks later while out eating at the restaurant, the pastor saw the little old lady. He did not want her to think that he was ignoring her so he approached her and said, "I have not seen you for a while. Is everything all right?"      "Oh, yes," she said. "I talked with Jesus, and he told me not to worry about becoming a member of your church."      "He did?" said the pastor.      "Oh, yes" she replied. "He said even He hasn't been able to get into your church yet, and He's been trying for years."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: PastorsThe Nine Of Us      In Budapest, a man goes to the pastor and complains, "Life is unbearable. There are nine of us living in one room. What can I do?"       The pastor answers, "Take your goat into the room with you."       The man in incredulous, but the pastor insists. "Do as I say and come back in a week."       A week later the man comes back looking more distraught than before. "We cannot stand it," he tells the pastor. "The goat is filthy."       The pastor then tells him, "Go home and let the goat out. And come back in a week."      A radiant man returns to the pastor a week later, exclaiming, "Life is beautiful. We enjoy every minute of it now that there's no goat-- only the nine of us.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: SatanSatan's Beatitudes      Blessed are those who are too tired, too busy, too distracted to spend an hour once a week with their fellow Christians in Church ~ they are my best workers.      Blessed are those who wait to be asked and expect to be thanked ~ I can use them in my business.      Blessed are those who are touchy. Soon they will stop going to church ~ verily, they shall be my missionaries.      Blessed are those who sow gossip and trouble ~ they are my beloved children.      Blessed are those who have no time to pray ~ for they MY prey.      Blessed are those who gossip ~ for they are my secret agents.      Blessed are you when you read this and think it has everything to do with other people, and nothing to do with you. ~ I've got room for YOU at my inn.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: BibleThe Children of Israel      Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out." "What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.      "Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"      "Right."      "An' the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?"      "Er--right."      "An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"      "Again you're right."      "An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"      "All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"      "What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz allthe grown-ups doin?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: PilotsSkydiving Lesson      All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.      One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"      Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: AnimalsHow to Tell the Weather      To Tell the weather, Go to your back door and look for the dog.      If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.      If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.      If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.      Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.      Sincerely,      The CATView hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: SchoolPlease Change This      Peter walked up to his teacher's desk, holding a report card with a big red F. "If I were you," said Peter, "I would change this while you still can."      "Why is that?" asked the teacher.      "Because my daddy told me that if I brought home one more failing report card, someone was going to get a beating."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: Old FolksBirth Control Pills      Mrs. Smith, an elderly woman, went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."      Quite surprised, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"      The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."      The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"      The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: LawyersHere's An Orange      The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"      The student replied, "Here's an orange."      The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"      The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: Men vs. WomenMen and Women - Difference      While eating out and the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20 even though the bill is only $22.50. None will have anything smaller, and none will admit they want change back. When girls get the bill out come the calculators.      With money a man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 dollar item she doesn't want.      In a bathroom a man has 5 items. A toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from Holiday Inn. A women has on average 337 items in her bathroom. A man would not be able to identify most of these Items.      In arguments a woman has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beggining of a new argument.      Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking men kick cats.      A women worries about the future until she gets a husband. A husband doesn't worry about the future until he gets a wife.      A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, and read a book. A man will get dressed up for weddings and funerals.      A succsessful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful women is one who can find such a man.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: LawyersReasonable Doubt      A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.      "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.      Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.      "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."      The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked, but your client didn't."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: RednecksThe Pig      This redneck was parked behind a trailer load of pigs near the zoo in Washington, DC. As the truck drove away--one of the pigs fell out. He walked over and picked the pig up and placed it in the front seat of his truck.      He was sitting there looking puzzled when a policeman walked up and asked what was going on. He told the story and the policeman recommended he take the pig to the zoo.      The redneck was sitting in the same spot the next day with the pig sitting up in the front seat. The cop said "didn't I ask you to take this pig to the zoo?"      The redneck replied "I did and he liked it so well--today I'm taking him to the movies!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: BlondesDeer Crossing      Recently a new neighbor, a blond haired woman, called the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.       The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and she didn't want them to cross there anymore.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: DoctorsDangerous Food      A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.      "Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.      "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"      A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: CrimeNew Yorkers in Heaven      One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang. walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, "God, there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?".      God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell."      St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!"      "Who, the New Yorkers?".      "No, the Pearly Gates."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: HypocritesWhat Would You Have Done      The two thousand member church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.      One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.      The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"      Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.      After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.      The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: Sunday SchoolAdam's Rib      At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.      Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he were ill, and said. "Johnny what is the matter?"      Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: Old FolksWalking On Water      Amanpreet heard a rumor that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays. So, on his 21st birthday, Amanpreet and his good friend Brian headed out to the lake.      "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted.      When Amanpreet and Brian arrived at the lake, they rented a boat and began paddling. When the got to the middle of the lake, Amanpreet stepped off of the side of the boat... and nearly drowned. Furious and somewhat shamed, he and Brian headed for home. When Amanpreet arrived back at the family farm, he asked his grandmother for an explanation.      "Grandma, why can I not walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?"      The feeble old grandmother took Amanpreet by the hands, looked into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January... you were born in July, dear."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: ScienceThe Wrong Answer      A student visited his old school, 20 years after his graduation, and met an old Science professor of his. The professor happened to be grading exam papers, and the student was surprise to notice that the questions were exactly the same as they were two decades ago. He asked the professor about the possibility of the leakage of the exam paper such that the students would have known the questions in advance.      The professor smiled wryly and answered, "Don't worry about that, my dear boy. I've changed the answers every year."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: DrunksLanguage difficulties      A Chinese went to a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter, he sat next to a famous Hollywood producer, Steven Spielberg who was already ahead by a quart of alcohol.      The producer was glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash the Chinese crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious hook from the producer.      Picking himself up, he yelled, "What was that for?"      The producer ranted: "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbor, you $B%'%'(J@@!!$B%'%'(J! My dad perished in that bombing!"      "I am not Japanese, you stupid Nincompoop! I am a Chinese!"      "Yeah yeah yeah ...Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, Vietnamese, ... you are all the same."      Regaining his composure, the Chinese took his seat and ordered a double from the bartender. A few seconds later, the Chinese turned around and delivered a deadly snake fist to the producer, sending him flat to the floor.      "What was that for?!!" exclaimed the producer.      "That's for the sinking of the TITANIC! I had ancestors on that ship!" the Chinese replied.      "You ignorant chink! The TITANIC was sunk by an iceberg! " shouted the producer.      "Yeah yeah yeah... Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg... you are all the same!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend