Today's category: ChristmasThe Lost Purse      A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."      The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: LawyersLawyer Quiz      Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?      A: Professional courtesy.      Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?      A: Because deep down, they are all nice guys!      Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?      A: No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.      Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?      A: An offer you can't understand.      Q: What would happen if you lock a cannibal in a room full of lawyers?      A: He would starve to death.      Q: Did you hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?      A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.      Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?      A: The lawyer charges more.      Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?      A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.      Jury: Twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best lawyer.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: CrimeStupid Criminals 3      Portsmouth, RI: Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he: 1. fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and 2. later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.      Lake City, Florida: Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chainsaw, which was not plugged in.      Ann Arbor News (crime column): A man walked into Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.      Bowling Green, Ohio, student Robert Ricketts, 19, had his head bloodied when he was struck by a Conrail train. He told police he was trying to see how close to the moving train he could place his head without getting hit.      In Wesley Chapel, Florida, Joseph Aaron, 20, was hit in the leg with pieces of the bullet he fired at the exhaust pipe of his car. When repairing the car, he needed to bore a hole in the pipe. When he couldn't find a drill, he tried to shoot a hole in it.      South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.      Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.      England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.      (Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.      Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.      (Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: DoctorsDirect Diagnosis      Judy rushed in to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"      The doctor looks her over for a couple of moments, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: CrimeThe Taxman      The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.       The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.       Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.       One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."       After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.       But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.       As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"       The man replied, "I work for the IRS."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: StupidityInstructions      In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:      - On Sears hair dryer:      Do not use while sleeping.      - On a bag of Fritos:      You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.      - On a bar of Dial soap:      Directions: Use like regular soap.      - Some Swann frozen dinners:      Serving suggestion: Defrost.      - On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:      Fits one head.      - On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:      Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)      - On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding:      Product will be hot after heating      - On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:      Do not iron clothes on body      - On Boot's CHILDREN's Cough Medicine      Do not drive car or operate machinery      - On Nytol (a sleep aid):      Warning: may cause drowsiness      - On a kitchen knife:      Warning: Keep out of children.      - On a string of Christmas lights:      For indoor or outdoor use only.      - On a food processor:      Not to be used for the other use.      - On Sainsbury's Peanuts      Warning: contains nuts      - On an American Airlines packet of nuts:      Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.      - On a chainsaw:      Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: MothersMom's Dictionary      DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.      FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.      FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.      FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.      GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.      HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.      IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.      INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.      OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.      PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.      SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.      STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.      TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.      TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.      VERBAL: able to whine in words      WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house...View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: ScienceThe Beginning Of Life      In a recent Round-table Discussion Group the question was asked of the Ministerial Panel, at what point does life begin.      The Baptist Preacher spoke first and said "At conception, of course!".      The Presbyterian Minister said "No, no, it's certainly begins at birth".      The Catholic Priest tried to buffer the obvious argument point and suggested "Perhaps you're both wrong, and it's a compromise in that the fetus is not functional with a heartbeat until the third month".      They had to prod the Jewish Rabbi for his answer, and he finally leaned forward to his mike and spoke softly "All of my friends here are wrong. Life begins when the last child leaves home, and the dog they left behind dies!!!".View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: WivesBiblical Wives Complaints      10. Eve to Adam: andquot;You never take me anywhere different to eat!andquot;      9. Sarah to Abraham: andquot;Maybe if you stopped treating me like your sister, we could start a family!andquot; (Gen 12:19)      8. Elizabeth to John the Baptist: andquot;I cook you a nice meal and all you want is locust, locust, locust!andquot;      7. Pharaoh's Daughter to Moses: andquot;Stop parting the bath water, Moses, and wash behind those ears!andquot;      6. David's mom to Jesse, her husband: andquot;Do you really think it was a good idea to get David that sling? He's going to put someone's eye out with that thing!andquot;      5. Manoah's wife to her son Samson: andquot;Can't you clean the sink after you shampoo? I'm sick of all these long hairs!andquot;      4. Elizabeth to Mary: andquot;I love talking to you, Mary, really I do, but can you speak a little softer? This kid just won't stop doing the rhumba in my tummy!andquot; (Luke 1:44)      3. Mary to Joseph: andquot;I TOLD you to make reservations!andquot;      2. Herodias to her daughter: andquot;I told Herod that if he didn't do something about this John nut, I would make sure the problem came to a head!andquot;      And the number one complaint made by a biblical wife is:      1. Pilate's wife to Pilate after the resurrection: andquot;You never listen to me, do you?andquot; How do you feel now andquot;Mr. Wash-Your-Hands-In-Publicandquot;?! (Mat 27:19View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: PastorsSecret Sin      Three pastors went to the pastor convention and were all sharing one room. The first pastor said, "Let's confess our secret sins one to another. I'll start - my secret sin is I just love to gamble. When I go out of town, it's cha-ching cha-ching, let the machines ring."      The second pastor said, "My secret sin is that I just hate working. I copy all my sermons from those given by other pastors."      The third pastor said, "My secret sin is gossiping and, oh boy, I just can't wait to get out of this room!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: ScienceOld Bones      Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"      The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."      "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"      The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: Men vs. WomenWater in the Carby      WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."      HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."      WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."      HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"      WIFE: "In the pool."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: ChurchHead Hog of the Trough      Fred called a church and asked to speak to the Head Hog of the Trough.      Secretary: How rude! I'll have you know we would NEVER EVER refer to our pastor as a hog.      Fred: Okay, then just take a message. Tell him I've come into a bit of money so I was calling to give your church $10,000.      Secretary: Well hold the phone, dearie! I think I see that big fat pig coming down the hall right now.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: QuestionsYet Another Quiz      Q: I have two U.S. coins totaling 55 cents. One isn't a nickel. What are the coins?      A: A 50-cent piece and a nickel. One is not a nickel, but the other one is. (That was a trick question)      Q: If you had only one match and you walked into a room where there was a candle, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which would you light first?      A: The match      Q: How far can a dog run into the woods?      A: Halfway      Q: A doctor gives you three pills, telling you to take one Every half hour. How long will the pills last?      A: 30 minutes each. (Or, if they wanted to know the total time, 90 minutes)      Q: A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?      A: 9      Q: How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?      A: Noah may have taken 2, but Moses just parted the water.      Q: A clerk in the butcher shop is 5 feet, 10 inches tall. What does he weigh?      A: Beef! (Or any other type of meat for that matter)      Q: How many two-cent stamps are there in a dozen?      A: 12      Q: What was the President's name in 1950?      A: Same as it is now.      Q: How much dirt is in a hole three feet wide by five feet long by four feet deep?      A: None, it's a hole.      Q: You are driving a train eastbound on a railroad track at 60 miles per hour. You travel for 30 minutes and pick up ten passengers. Thirty minutes later all but three of the passengers get off the train. What is the engineer's name?      A: Whatever **your name** is.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: RednecksIn A Redneck Church      1. People ask, when Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.      2. The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," and then five guys and two women stand up.      3. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.      4. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."       5. The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."       6. Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for communion.      7. In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.      8. Baptism is referred to as "branding".      9. There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.      10. Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.      11. High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.      12. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.      13. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya hear?" (banjo accompaniment optional)View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: BlondesSelling a Car      A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.      One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."      "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if only I can sell the car."      "Okay," said the blonde's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."      The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the friend asked her, "Did you sell your car?"      "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: MiscellaneousThe Car Crash      A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt.      After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."      The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."      The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Kedem wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.      The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?" The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: AnimalsCooking Instructions      According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed.       The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: "Wash. Biol. Surv."      Until the agency received the this letter from an Arkansas camper:      "Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible."      The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: LoveChristian Breakup Lines      1. "I'm sorry, I've found someone more spiritual."      2. "I'm sorry, it's just not God's will."      3. "I feel called to the ministry_very soon and very far from you as soon as possible."      4. "I'm sorry, it could never work. I'm a sanguine and you're a phlegmatic."      5. "God loves me and must have a better plan for my life."      6. "You know, I feel like I'm dating my brother."      7. "At least I got a lot out of our Bible studies together."      8. "You need someone with lower standards."      9. "I think we should just be prayer partners."      10. "I do love you, but it's just agape now"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: SportsIs He Dead      A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.      The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'      The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: 'Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.'      There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: 'OK, now what?'View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: BibleIf Students Wrote the Bible      Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.      The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning--cold.      The Ten Commandments would actually be only five--double-spaced and written in a large font.      New edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.      Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.      Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov.      Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates.      Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: RednecksThings A Redneck Won't Say      1. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"      2. "Duct tape won't fix that."      3. "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."      4. "We don't keep firearms in this house."      5. "You can't feed that to the dog."      6. "I thought Graceland was tacky."      7. "No kids in the back of the pickup...it's not safe."      8. "Professional wrasslin's fake."      9. "Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?"      10. "We're vegetarians."      11. "Do you think my hair is too big?"      12. "I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy."      13. "Honey, these bonsai trees need watering."      14. "I don't understand the appeal of NASCAR."      15. "Give me the small bag of pork rinds."      16. "Deer heads detract from the decor."      17. "Spitting is such a nasty habit."      18. "I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today."      19. "Trim the fat off that steak."      20. "Cappuccino tastes better than espresso."      21. "The tires on that truck are too big."      22. "I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad."      23. "I've got it all on a floppy disk."      24. "Unsweetened tea tastes better."      25. "Would you like your fish poached or broiled?"      26. "My fiance is registered at Tiffany's."      27. "I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl."      28. "She's too old to be wearing that bikini."      29. "Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?"      30. "Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen."      31. "I don't have a favorite college football team."      32. "Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side."      33. "I believe you cooked those green beans too long."      34. "Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla."      35. "Elvis who?"      36. "Checkmate."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: LoveChristian Pick-Up Lines      1. Nice bible"      2. "I would like to pray with you"      3. "You know Jesus? Me too!"      4. "God told me to come talk to you"      5. "I know a church where we could go and talk"      6. "How about a hug, sister?"      7. "Do you need help carrying your Bible? It looks heavy."      8. "Christians don't shake hands, Christians gotta hug!"      9. "Oh, you're cold? Maybe we should read Ecclesiastes 4:11"      10. "Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?"      11. "What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?"      12. "I am here for you."      13. "The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry," So...how about dinner?"      14. "You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither."      15. "You want to come over and watch "The 10 Commandments" tonight?"      16. "Is it a sin that you stole my heart?"      17. "Would you happen to know a Christian woman that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?"      18. "Nice bracelet. 'What would Jesus date? Uh, I mean *do*'"      19. "Do you believe in Divine appointment?"      20. "Have you ever tried praying at a drive in before?"      21. "Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me."      22. "My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really nice person. I think you know him. Jesus, yeah that's his name."      23. "You know, they say that you have never really dated, until you have dated a Christian."      24. "Yeah, I predicted David over Goliath."      25. "What? Friends listen to Amazing Grace by candle light."      26. "What do you think Paul meant when he said, 'Greet everyone with a holy kiss'?"      27. "You have the body of Amy Grant and the soul of Mother Teresa."      28. "You know, I'm really into relationship evangelism."      29. "I'm pretty flexible - I don't think a woman should be submissive on the first date."      30. "Before tonight, I never believed in predestination..."      31. "Just looking at you makes me feel all ecumenical."      32. "I hear there's going to be a love offering tonight."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: QuestionsQuestions to Ponder 3      Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?      If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do bars have parking lots?      If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?      If pro is the opposite of con, then is progress the opposite of congress?      If it's Zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be Twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?      Why do scientists call it "re"search when looking for something new?      Why is it called a building when it is already built?      Why is hamburger called hamburger, when it is made out of beef not ham?      If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?      Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?      Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn't it be easier to just hire taller dancers?      Why is it when someone eats something that tastes bad they say "Aw, this tastes gross!" and turn to you and say "Try it!" Why would I want to try it, if they already told me what it tastes like?      How do you know when invisible ink pens run out of ink?      If you drop a chameleon in water, will it turn clear?      Why do they call it a Leap Year if you ADD another day rather than subtracting one?      Is it possible to be totally partial?      What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: Church SignsChurch Signs 4      1) Satan subtracts and divides. God multiplies and multiplies       2) If you do not want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of the devil's orchard       3) May is God's apology for February       4) To belittle is to be little       5) A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.       6) No God -- No Peace. Know God -- Know Peace.       7) A singing group called The Resurrection was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, The Resurrection is postponed.      8) People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.       9) God so loved the world that He did not send a committee.      10) When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright.       11) Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend