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ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

Clean Christian joke of the day.
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Today's category: FaithOut of Luck¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ He begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Joe again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Once again, he prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Men vs. WomenLadies First¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled the women to achieve this reversal of roles? Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: BibleThe Christian Barber¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ There was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said, "Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said, "Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to witness to him. So give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying "Good morning sir. I have a question for you... Are you ready to die?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: StupidityThe English Language¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ In celebration of the complexities of the English language, we bring you the following: Lets face it English is a stupid language.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England French fries were not invented in France. We sometimes take English for granted but if we examine its paradoxes we find:- that Quicksand takes you down slowly Boxing rings are square And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. If writers write, how come fingers don't fing. If the plural of tooth is teeth shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught. If a vegetarian eats vegetables why don't humanitarians eat human!? Why do people recite at a play yet play at a recital? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day and as cold as hell on another? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language:- whereby a house can burn up as it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out. A bell is only heard once it goes!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ English was invented by people, not computers and it reflects the creativity of the human race (Which of course isn't a race at all)View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: FaithDivine Advice¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a pastor and poured out his story of tears and woe.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ When he had finished, the pastor said, "Here's what I want you to do, put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A year later the businessman went back to the pastor and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom- tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket and gave it to the pastor as a donation in thanks for his advice.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The pastor recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Absolutely," replied the businessman.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "You went to the beach?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Absolutely."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Absolutely."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Absolutely."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "And what were the first words you saw?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Chapter 11."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: AnimalsCat Collector¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ To which the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: TechnologyDr Seuss Today¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Here's an easy game to play.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Here's an easy thing to say:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ You can't say this?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ What a shame sir!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ We'll find you¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Another game sir.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ If the label on the cable on the table at your house,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Men vs. WomenWhatever You Want¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ There were 3 men who died and before God would let them into heaven, he gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The first guy said " I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter. So God made him 100 times smarter.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The second guy said "I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter. So God made him 1000 times smarter.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said "God, make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ So God made him a woman!View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MiscellaneousNun In A Cab¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance and see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 1) you have to be single and¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 2) you must be Catholic."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ He does and the nun kisses him. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying his eyes out. "My dear child, why are you crying?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: CrimePrison vs. Work¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ In prison, you spend a majority of time in an 8x10 cell. At work you spend most of your time in an 8x10 cubicle.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ In prison you get three meals a day. At work, you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ In prison you can watch tv and play games. At work you get fired for watching tv and playing games.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ At work you must carry a security card to unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ In prison they let your family and friends to come and visit. At work you're not even supposed to speak to your family and friends.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ At prison there are sadistic wardens. At work you have managers.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MothersName Those Twins¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Denise."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Denephew. "View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Sunday SchoolDust to Dust¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A little boy had just got home from Sunday School and mom was cooking lunch. "Mommy, is it true that before you're born you're just dust and after you die you go back to being dust?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "That's right son, why?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Well that's just what they said at church today."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Run up stairs and wash your hands son, lunch will be ready in a few minutes."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ About 10 minutes went by and she called out for him to come down. "I'll be there in a minute." As they were about to sit down at the table, the little boy asked again about being dust before being born and after you die. Once again mother said yes son.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The little boy looked at her and said, then you better get up to my room pretty quick, because something under my bed is either coming or going!!View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: TechnologyMaxims of the Internet Age¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 1. Home is where you hang your @¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 5. Great groups from little icons grow.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 7. C: is the root of all directories.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 9. The modem is the message.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 10. Too many clicks spoil the browse..¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 11. The geek shall inherit the earth.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 12. A chat has nine lives.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 13. Don't byte off more than you can view.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 14. Fax is stranger than fiction.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 15. What boots up must come down.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 16. Windows will never cease.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 17. Virtual reality is its own reward.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 18. Modulation in all things.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 19. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 20. There's no place like http://www.home.com¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 21. Know what to expect before you connect.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 22. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 23. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: LoveChristian Pick-Up Lines¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 1. Nice bible"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 2. "I would like to pray with you"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 3. "You know Jesus? Me too!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 4. "God told me to come talk to you"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 5. "I know a church where we could go and talk"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 6. "How about a hug, sister?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 7. "Do you need help carrying your Bible? It looks heavy."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 8. "Christians don't shake hands, Christians gotta hug!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 9. "Oh, you're cold? Maybe we should read Ecclesiastes 4:11"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 10. "Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 11. "What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 12. "I am here for you."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 13. "The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry," So...how about dinner?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 14. "You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 15. "You want to come over and watch "The 10 Commandments" tonight?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 16. "Is it a sin that you stole my heart?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 17. "Would you happen to know a Christian woman that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 18. "Nice bracelet. 'What would Jesus date? Uh, I mean *do*'"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 19. "Do you believe in Divine appointment?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 20. "Have you ever tried praying at a drive in before?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 21. "Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 22. "My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really nice person. I think you know him. Jesus, yeah that's his name."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 23. "You know, they say that you have never really dated, until you have dated a Christian."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 24. "Yeah, I predicted David over Goliath."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 25. "What? Friends listen to Amazing Grace by candle light."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 26. "What do you think Paul meant when he said, 'Greet everyone with a holy kiss'?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 27. "You have the body of Amy Grant and the soul of Mother Teresa."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 28. "You know, I'm really into relationship evangelism."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 29. "I'm pretty flexible - I don't think a woman should be submissive on the first date."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 30. "Before tonight, I never believed in predestination..."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 31. "Just looking at you makes me feel all ecumenical."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 32. "I hear there's going to be a love offering tonight."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: TechnologySign Your Card¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ So I signed the credit card in front of her.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ As luck would have it, they matched!View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: LawyersOne Liners¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ What do lawyers use for birth control?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Their personalities.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - A tick falls off of you when you die.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Not enough sand.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - There are skid marks in front of the skunk.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - A Doberman.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ What do lawyers and sperm have in common?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Lawyer's creed:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - A man is innocent until proven broke.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Lipstick.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Skeet.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Chelsea Clinton¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - You shoot the lawyer. Twice.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A lawyer was walking down the street and saw an auto accident. He rushed over, started handing out business cards, and said, "I saw the whole thing. I'll take either side."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Men vs. WomenWomen Men Comparison¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ WOMEN:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Women come in all sizes, in all colours and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ MEN:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and sometimes killing spiders.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PrayerA Matter of Perspective¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas, " he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Sunday SchoolFireman's Dog¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A Sunday School helper was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog's duties.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "No," said another, "he's just for good luck."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: BlondesBlonde Jockey¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Stan, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MistakesThe First Stall¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Leaving Miami for Ft Lauderdale, I decide to stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go into the bathroom. The first stall is taken, so I go into the second stall. I had just sat down when I hear a voice from the other stall............¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Hi there, how is it going?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Okay, I am not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say, so finally I say:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Not bad............"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Then the voice says:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "So, what are you doing?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ I am starting to find this a bit weird, but I say:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Well, I'm going to Ft Lauderdale.........."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Then I hear the person, all flustered, say:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Look, I'll call you back. Every time I ask you a question, this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me!!!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: GodMemo From God¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ I am God. Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help. If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. It will be addressed in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ If you find yourself stuck in traffic; Don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of work for years.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the man in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed his children.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; Think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse. You could be them!!!!View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PastorsThe Dead Mule¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He telephoned the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the Pastor to the Health Department. ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ They explained, "Since there was no health threat you'll need to call the Sanitation Department." ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ When the pastor called the Sanitation Department, the Manager of the Sanitation Department said, "I can't pick up that dead mule without authorization from the mayor." ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The Pastor was not at all too eager to call the mayor, who possessed a very bad temper and was always extremely unpleasant and hard to deal with, but, eventually, the Pastor called the mayor anyway. ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The mayor did not disappoint the Pastor. The mayor immediately began to rant and rave. After his continued rant at the pastor, the mayor finally said, "Why did you call me any way? Isn't your job to bury the dead?" ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The pastor paused for a brief prayer, and asked the Lord to direct his response. The lord led the pastor to the words he was seeking, "Yes, Mayor, it IS my job to bury the dead, BUT I always like to notify the next of kin first!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MiscellaneousThe New Catholic¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ In North Ireland a Protestant man married a Catholic woman. After their marriage he decided to covert to the Catholic church. So he went to the preist and took instructions and was later baptized Catholic.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ He had one problem however. He couldn't get it into his skull that he was a Catholic man, and no longer a Protestant. This became such a problem that he returned to the priest and asked for some advice. The priest told him that if he was to repeat the phrase "I'm a Catholic, not a Protestant" enough times the idea might penetrate his thick skull. ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The man left mumbling to himself, "I'm a Catholic, not a Protestant. I'm a Catholic, not a Protestant." The next Friday the priest decided to visit the newlyweds. He knocked on the door and was greeted by the wife. When he stepped in, he smelled something that should not be in a Catholic's home on a Friday. He asked the wife where her husband was, and she replied that he was in the kitchen.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The priest walked into the kitchen and saw the man pouring thick brown gravy on a thick hunk of roast beef. Agast, the priest was about to explode when he heard the man mumble,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "You're a trout, not a cow. You're a trout, not a cow."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Men vs. Women10 Reasons God Created Eve¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because He knew men would never ask for directions.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote because men don't want to see what is on TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on TV.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when the seat wore out and therefore would need Eve to get one for him.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appt for himself.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 5. God knew that if the world was to be populated there would have to someone to bear children because men would never be able to handle it.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 4. As Keeper of the Garden Adam would never remember where he put his tools.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 3. The Scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone", he only ends up getting himself in trouble.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ And the NUMBER ONE reason...¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 1. When God finished the creation of Adam he stepped back, scratched his head and said, "I can do better than that."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

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