Today's category: PrayerAtheist Prayer-line They have Dial-a-Prayer for atheists now. You call up and it rings and rings but nobody answers.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: PoliticsWhat's He Going To Be An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. So they decided to do a small test. They put a note on the front hall table that they had left. Around the note they put a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey. Then they hid, pretending they were not at home. The father told his wife, "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible, he will be a pastor, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a no-good drunkard." So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son read the note that they had left. Then he took the ten-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the Bible, flipped through it, and put it under his arm. Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items. The father slapped his forehead and said: "This is worse than I could ever have imagined!" "What? asked the wife. "Our son is going to be a politician!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: DeathThe Diagnosis A women accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die: 1. Each morning , fix him a healthy breakfast. 2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. 3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal. 4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal. 5. Don't burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day. 6. Don't discuss your problems with him. On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her. "You're going to die," she replied.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: CopsThe Ultimate VIP The Pope has just finished a tour of the Napa Valley and is taking a limousine to San Francisco. Having never driven a limo, he asks the chauffeur if he can drive for a while. Since the chauffeur really doesn't have much of a choice, he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds down Silverado, and starts accelerating to see what the limo can do. He gets to about 90 MPH, and suddenly he sees the red and blue lights of the highway patrol in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. The trooper, seeing who it is, says, 'Just a moment please, I need to call in.' The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how he should handle it. 'It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?' asks the chief. 'No Sir!' replies the trooper, 'This guy's more important.' 'Is it the Governor?' asks the chief. 'No! Even more important!' replies the trooper. 'Is it the PRESIDENT??? asks the chief. 'No! Even more important!' replies the trooper. 'Well WHO THE HECK is it?' screams the chief. 'I don't know Sir.' replies the trooper, 'but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur.'View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: MilitarySecure The Building One reason the Armed Services have trouble operating jointly is that they have very different meanings for the same terms; The Joint Chiefs once told the Navy to "secure a building," to which they responded by turning off the lights and locking the doors. The Joint Chiefs then instructed Army personnel to "secure the building," and they occupied the building so no one could enter. Upon receiving the exact same order, the Marines assaulted the building, captured it, and set up defences with suppressive fire and amphibious assault vehicals, established reconnaissance and communications channels, and prepared for close hand-to-hand combat if the situation arose. But the Air Force, on the other hand, acted most swiftly on the command, and took out a three-year lease with an option to buy.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: ChurchMeeting of the Board There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service," announced the pastor. After the close of the service, the Church Board gathered at the back of the auditorium for the announced meeting. But there was a stranger in their midst -- a visitor who had never attended their church before. "My friend," said the pastor, "Didn't you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?" "Yes," said the visitor, "and after today's sermon, I suppose I'm just about as bored as anyone else who came to this meeting."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: SchoolPhilosophy Class A college student was in a philosophy class, where there was a class discussion about whether or not God exists, The professor had the following logic: "Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke. "Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke. "Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God." The student did not like the sound of this at all, and asked for permission to speak. The professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates: "Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence. "Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Absolute silence. "Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?" When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!" The student received an "A" in the class.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: TechnologyNew Year's Resolutions New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies 1. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 7 e-mail addresses. 2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife. 3. I resolve to work with neglected children - my own. 4. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail. 5. I resolve to back up my 10GB hard drive daily...well, once a week...okay, monthly then...or maybe... 6. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. 7. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I won't reply "MS Tech Support." 8. I will read the manual. 9. I will think of a password other than "password." 10. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: HeavenVisitor To Heaven Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has to go the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, and Jesus says "Fine." St. Pete takes the book which lists everyone who's supposed to get into Heaven with him to the bathroom to have something to read. As Jesus is standing there, he sees this old man leading a donkey up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter's tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus tells him he doesn't have the book, but asks the old man to explain his life and why he felt he should be admitted into heaven. Jesus would then make the decision whether or not to let him in based on the story. The man explains "In English, my name would be Joseph, but I didn't live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I'm not remembered very well by most people, but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him, he didn't really come into this world in the usual way. I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavory characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My single biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be reunited with my son." Jesus is awestruck by the man's story. He looks into the old man's eyes and asks, "Are you MY earthly father?" The old man's face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks, "Are you my Pinocchio?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: SchoolKiss The Mirror A Christian middle school for girls was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called several of the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how much work they were making for the custodian, she asked him to clean one of the mirrors while the girls watched. The custodian took a long-handled brush, dipped it into the nearest toilet, and proceeded to scrub the mirror. From that day on, the problem of lip prints on the mirrors was completely eliminated.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: Men vs. WomenFor Married Couples Only How to satisfy your wife every time Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, puree, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again! How to satisfy a man every time Show up naked.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: SermonsBetter Than Einstein At the conclusion of the sermon, the worshipers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister. As one of them left, he shook the minister's hand, thanked him for the sermon and said, "Thanks for the message, Reverend. You know, you must be smarter than Einstein." Beaming with pride, the minister said, "Why, thank you, brother!" As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man's compliment. The more he thought, the more he became baffled as to why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So he decided to ask the man the following Sunday. The next Sunday he asked the parishioner if he remembered the previous Sunday's comment about the sermon. The parishioner replied that he did. The minister asked: "Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein?" The man replied, "Well, Reverend, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But Reverend, no one can understand you."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: RednecksYou're A Redneck Jedi If 1. You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." 2. Your Jedi robe is camouflage. 3. At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored. 4. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. 5. You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard. 6. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. 7. Wookies are offended by your B.O. 8. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling. 9. Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot." 10. You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electroshock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light. 11. You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window. 12. Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women. 13. You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: PoliticsWelcome To America A foreign visitor was being given a tour of Washington, D.C. one day by an American friend of hers. She was amazed at the size of the Monuments, the Congressional Buildings, and so forth. Finally she gazed upon the White House itself. "My, that's an incredibly large building!" she remarked. "Yes, it's pretty big, alright." said her friend. "Big? It's huge!! About how many people work in there?" she asked. "Oh... about half."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: WivesAddicted to Quilting She learned to quilt on Monday. Her stitches all were very fine. She forgot to thaw out dinner. so we went out to dine. She quilted miniatures on Tuesday. she says they are a must. They really were quite lovely. But she forgot to dust. On Wednesday it was a sampler. She says stippling's fun. What highlights! What Shadows! But the laundry wasn't done. Nine patches were on Thursday - Green, yellow, blue and red. I guess she really was engrossed; She never made the bed. It was wall hangings on Friday, In colors she adores. It never bothered her at all, That crumbs were on the floors. I found a maid on Saturday, My week is now complete. My wife can quilt the hours away; The house will still be neat. Well, now it's only Sunday, I think I'm about to wilt. I cursed, I raved, I ranted, Cause the MAID has learned to QUILT!View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: GreedGenie Joke A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie! The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes." The man says "Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand! He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red, brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him! He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: TechnologyThe Phone A young man wanted to get his beautiful wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the wifey goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "how do you like your new phone?" She replies "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though." "What's that, baby?" asks the husband. "How'd you know I was at Wal-Mart?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: MiscellaneousSign of the Times - Plumber "We repair what your husband Fixed." - On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania "Don't sleep with a drip, call your plumber." - Pizza shop slogan "7 days without pizza makes one Weak." - At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." - Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?" - Sign at the psychic's Hotline "Don't call us, we'll call you." - At A Laundry Shop "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?" - At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." - Billboard on the side of the road "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs." - On an Electricians truck "Let us remove your shorts." - In a Nonsmoking Area " If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." - On Maternity Room Door "Push, Push, Push." - At an Optometrists Office "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place." - On a Taxidermist's window "We really know our stuff." - In a Podiatrist's office "Time wounds all heels." - On a Butchers window "Let me meat your needs." - On a fence "Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive." - At a car Dealership "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." - Outside a Muffler Shop "No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming." - Outside a Hotel "Help! We need inn-experienced people." - On a desk in a reception room "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left." - In a Veterinarians waiting room "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay! " - At the Electric Company "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be." - On the door of a Computer Store "Out for a quick byte." - In a Restaurant window "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up." - Inside a Bowling Alley "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop." - In the front yard of a funeral home "Drive carefully, we'll wait." - In a counselors office "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: MiscellaneousDigging A Hole There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, he would dig, dig, dig, the other would come behind him and fill the hole, fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously. One digging a hole, the other filling it up again. A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them. He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!" The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: QuestionsThe End of the World When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it? USA Today: We're dead The Wall Street Journal: Dow Jones plummets as world ends National Enquirer: O.J. and Nicole, together again Playboy: Girls of the apocalypse Microsoft Systems Journal: Apple loses market share Victoria's Secret Catalog: Our final sale Sports Illustrated: Game over! Wired: The last new thing! Rolling Stone: The Grateful Dead reunion tour Readers Digest: 'Bye! Discover Magazine: How will the extinction of all life as we know it affect the way we view the cosmos? TV Guide: Death and damnation: Nielson Ratings soar! Lady's Home Journal: Lose 10 lbs by judgement day with our new "Armageddon" Diet! America Online: System temporarily down. Try calling back in 15 minutes. Inc. Magazine: Ten ways you can profit from the apocalypse!View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: HeavenThree Guys in Heaven Three guys die and go to heaven. The first goes up to St. Peter who says, "I have only one question before you go into heaven: Were you faithful to your wife?" The guy answers, "Yes, I've never even looked at another women." St.Peter says, "See that Rolls-Royce over there? That's your car to drive while you're in heaven." The second guy gets the same question, and answers, "Once I strayed, but I confessed to my wife and she forgave me and we worked it out." St. Peter says, "See that new Buick over there, that's your car to use in heaven." The third guy answers the same question, "I have to admit, I've chased every girl I saw, and was with a lot of women." St. Peter says, "Okay, but you were basically a good guy, so that old VW Bug over there is yours to use while you're in heaven. The three guys go off on their separate ways. A few weeks later, guy #2 and guy #3 are driving along when they see guy #1's Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go into the bar andfind guy #1 with empty bottles all around him, face down with his face in is hands on the bar. They come up to him and guy #2 says, "Bud, what could possibly be so bad-you're in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is great!" He says, "I saw my wife today!" The other two answer, "That's great! What's the problem?" He answers, "She was riding a skateboard!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: StupidityDaily Affirmations - As I let go of my shoulds and feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath. - I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia. - I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault. - I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed. - In some cultures what I do would be considered normal. - Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others. - My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment. - I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more. - I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all. - Joan of Arc heard voices too. - I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me. - I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain. - As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet. - When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying. - The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things. - As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun. - All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts. - I am at one with my duality. - Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots. - I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday. - Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears. - Does my quiet self-pity get to me? Yes? Or should I move up to incessant nagging? - Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so." - False hope is nicer than no hope at all. - A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem. - Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom. - Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone. - Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future? - The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working. - I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage. - Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step - blaming my parents. - To understand all is to fear all. - I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at. - The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home. - My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for midnight mass? - To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting. - I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: BibleThe Deal A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: Sunday SchoolHow To Get To Heaven A teacher asked the children in her Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?" "NO!" the children all answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?" Again, the answer was "NO!" "Well," she continued, "then how can I get to heaven?" In the back of the room, a five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: GodGetting a Promotion A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion. "What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi. "Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest. "Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi. "Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest. "Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi. "If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest. "O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi. The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal." "And then?" asked the Rabbi. The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope." "Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi. "Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?" "Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend