Today's category: PoliticsWelcome To America      A foreign visitor was being given a tour of Washington, D.C. one day by an American friend of hers. She was amazed at the size of the Monuments, the Congressional Buildings, and so forth. Finally she gazed upon the White House itself.      "My, that's an incredibly large building!" she remarked.      "Yes, it's pretty big, alright." said her friend.      "Big? It's huge!! About how many people work in there?" she asked.      "Oh... about half."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: WivesAddicted to Quilting      She learned to quilt on Monday.      Her stitches all were very fine.      She forgot to thaw out dinner.      so we went out to dine.      She quilted miniatures on Tuesday.      she says they are a must.      They really were quite lovely.      But she forgot to dust.      On Wednesday it was a sampler.      She says stippling's fun.      What highlights! What Shadows!      But the laundry wasn't done.      Nine patches were on Thursday -      Green, yellow, blue and red.      I guess she really was engrossed;      She never made the bed.      It was wall hangings on Friday,      In colors she adores.      It never bothered her at all,      That crumbs were on the floors.      I found a maid on Saturday,      My week is now complete.      My wife can quilt the hours away;      The house will still be neat.      Well, now it's only Sunday,      I think I'm about to wilt.      I cursed, I raved, I ranted,      Cause the MAID has learned to QUILT!View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: GreedGenie Joke      A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie!      The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."      The man says "Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."      Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand!      He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."      Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red, brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him!      He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."      Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: TechnologyThe Phone      A young man wanted to get his beautiful wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.      The next day the wifey goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "how do you like your new phone?"      She replies "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."      "What's that, baby?" asks the husband.      "How'd you know I was at Wal-Mart?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: MiscellaneousSign of the Times      - Plumber "We repair what your husband Fixed."      - On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania "Don't sleep with a drip, call your plumber."      - Pizza shop slogan "7 days without pizza makes one Weak."      - At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."      - Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?"      - Sign at the psychic's Hotline "Don't call us, we'll call you."      - At A Laundry Shop "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"      - At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."      - Billboard on the side of the road "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."      - On an Electricians truck "Let us remove your shorts."      - In a Nonsmoking Area " If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."      - On Maternity Room Door "Push, Push, Push."      - At an Optometrists Office "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."      - On a Taxidermist's window "We really know our stuff."      - In a Podiatrist's office "Time wounds all heels."      - On a Butchers window "Let me meat your needs."      - On a fence "Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive."      - At a car Dealership "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."      - Outside a Muffler Shop "No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming."      - Outside a Hotel "Help! We need inn-experienced people."      - On a desk in a reception room "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."      - In a Veterinarians waiting room "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay! "      - At the Electric Company "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."      - On the door of a Computer Store "Out for a quick byte."      - In a Restaurant window "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."      - Inside a Bowling Alley "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."      - In the front yard of a funeral home "Drive carefully, we'll wait."      - In a counselors office "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: BibleThe Oil Find      Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.      The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"      "Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."      The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: Old FolksHearing Problems      An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.      The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."      The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: MiscellaneousDigging A Hole      There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, he would dig, dig, dig, the other would come behind him and fill the hole, fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously. One digging a hole, the other filling it up again.      A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.      He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"      The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: QuestionsThe End of the World      When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?      USA Today: We're dead      The Wall Street Journal: Dow Jones plummets as world ends      National Enquirer: O.J. and Nicole, together again      Playboy: Girls of the apocalypse      Microsoft Systems Journal: Apple loses market share      Victoria's Secret Catalog: Our final sale      Sports Illustrated: Game over!      Wired: The last new thing!      Rolling Stone: The Grateful Dead reunion tour      Readers Digest: 'Bye!      Discover Magazine: How will the extinction of all life as we know it affect the way we view the cosmos?      TV Guide: Death and damnation: Nielson Ratings soar!      Lady's Home Journal: Lose 10 lbs by judgement day with our new "Armageddon" Diet!      America Online: System temporarily down. Try calling back in 15 minutes.      Inc. Magazine: Ten ways you can profit from the apocalypse!View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: SermonsA Problem With Teeth      This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.      When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.      The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.      The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.      The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't stop talking!View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: Old FolksThankful For Little Things      A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These fairways seem to be getting longer and longer," said one of the foursome.      "And these hills are getting steeper as the years go by," another complained.      "The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them, too," said the third senior.      After hearing enough from his buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Oh my friends, just be thankful we're still on this side of the grass!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: HeavenThree Guys in Heaven      Three guys die and go to heaven. The first goes up to St. Peter who says, "I have only one question before you go into heaven: Were you faithful to your wife?"      The guy answers, "Yes, I've never even looked at another women."      St.Peter says, "See that Rolls-Royce over there? That's your car to drive while you're in heaven."      The second guy gets the same question, and answers, "Once I strayed, but I confessed to my wife and she forgave me and we worked it out."      St. Peter says, "See that new Buick over there, that's your car to use in heaven."      The third guy answers the same question, "I have to admit, I've chased every girl I saw, and was with a lot of women."      St. Peter says, "Okay, but you were basically a good guy, so that old VW Bug over there is yours to use while you're in heaven.      The three guys go off on their separate ways.      A few weeks later, guy #2 and guy #3 are driving along when they see guy #1's Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go into the bar andfind guy #1 with empty bottles all around him, face down with his face in is hands on the bar. They come up to him and guy #2 says, "Bud, what could possibly be so bad-you're in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is great!"      He says, "I saw my wife today!" The other two answer, "That's great! What's the problem?"      He answers, "She was riding a skateboard!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: StupidityDaily Affirmations      - As I let go of my shoulds and feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.      - I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.      - I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.      - I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.      - In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.      - Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.      - My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.      - I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.      - I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.      - Joan of Arc heard voices too.      - I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.      - I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.      - As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.      - When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.      - The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.      - As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.      - All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.      - I am at one with my duality.      - Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.      - I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.      - Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.      - Does my quiet self-pity get to me? Yes? Or should I move up to incessant nagging?      - Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."      - False hope is nicer than no hope at all.      - A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.      - Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.      - Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.      - Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?      - The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.      - I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.      - Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step - blaming my parents.      - To understand all is to fear all.      - I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.      - The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.      - My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for midnight mass?      - To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.      - I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: BibleThe Deal      A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."      After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"      The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."      To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: Sunday SchoolHow To Get To Heaven      A teacher asked the children in her Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"      "NO!" the children all answered.      "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"      Again, the answer was "NO!"      "Well," she continued, "then how can I get to heaven?"      In the back of the room, a five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: GodGetting a Promotion      A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion. "What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.      "Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.      "Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.      "Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest.      "Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.      "If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest.      "O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.      The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."      "And then?" asked the Rabbi.      The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."      "Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.      "Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"      "Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: HusbandsSpecial Day      I bet you don't know what day this is", said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door. The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker: "Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?" With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work.      At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.      At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.      The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied that he had recovered what could have been a very bad situation.      His wife was indeed surprised: "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: Church SignsChurch Signs 5      1) How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Non-smoking?      2) Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives      3) It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.      4) Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.      5) If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again.      6) Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.      7) This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?      8) Forbidden fruit creates many jams.      9) In the dark? Follow the Son.      10) Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up.      11) If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: DeathBackwards Music      A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.      He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.      By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.      Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.       By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.       Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.       "Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: BibleBetween the Pages      A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.      "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.      "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.      With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: FarmersThe Race      An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years, and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.      Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me", thinks the old rooster. "I've got to do something about this."      He walks up to the new bird and says, "So, you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet, and I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."      Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on, " said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy, " said the young rooster.      So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guys lead has slipped a little, but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old roosters lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely ahead of the young rooster.      By now, the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barnyard, figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.      As he walks away slowly, he says to himself, "Darn !!!! that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: Mothers6 Things to Think About      1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.      2. Grandchildren are God's rewards for not killing your own children.      3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young      4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.      5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.      6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: QuestionsLight Bulb Jokes      1. How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?      Only one since his/her hands are in the air anyway      2. How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?      None. God has predestined when the lights will be on. Or... Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read out the instructions and pray the light bulb will decide to change itself.      3. How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?      CHANGE???????      4. No. Really, how many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?      At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve thechange and decide who brings the potato salad.      5. How many neo-evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?      No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness.      6. How many Church of Christ does it take to change a light bulb?      Six men. One to authorize the change; two to look up the scriptures to see if it's something Jesus or Paul would approve of; and three to keep the women in submission, i.e. keeping them from giving advice, instructions, or usurping authority over the men.      7. How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?      Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.      8. How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?      One. but for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.      9. How many fundamentalists or independent Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?      Only one because anymore would be compromise and ecumenical standards of light would slip.      10. How many liberals does it take to change a light Bulb?      At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb they still may not change it to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.      11. How many Anglicans or Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?      None. They always use candles.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: MistakesThe End Is Near      Farmers Fred and Luke were fishing on the side of the road. They made a sign saying "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!," and showed it to each passing car.      One driver that passed didn't appreciate the sign and shouted, "Leave us alone you religious nuts!"      All of a sudden they heard a big splash.      Fred grinned at Luke. "Do you think we should just put up a sign that says: 'Bridge Out' instead?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: SportsPsychologically Speaking      The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"      A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend