Today's category: KidsA Nickle or a Dime      There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. The boys say he is two bricks short of a load, or couple fries short of a happy meal.      To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.      One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"      Junior said, "No sir, you see if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: PilotsFirst Class Seat      A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."      The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.      The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: BraggersThe Sahara      A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door.       The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.       "Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."       The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door.       "I cut the tree down," said the man. The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"       "In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.       "You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.       The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: Men vs. WomenAt the ATM Machine      Differences Between The Sexes Observed At The Drive-Up ATM Machine.      HIM:      1) Pull up to ATM      2) Insert card      3) Enter PIN number and account      4) Take cash, card and receipt      HER:      1) Pull up to ATM      2) Check makeup in rearview mirror      3) Shut off engine      4) Put keys in purse      5) Get out of car b/c you're too far from machine      6) Hunt for card in purse      7) Insert card      8) Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it      9) Enter PIN number      10) Study instructions for at least 2 minutes      11) Hit "cancel"      12) Re-enter correct PIN number      12A) Hit "cancel"      12B) Call husband to get correct PIN number      13) Check balance      14) Look for envelope      15) Look in purse for pen      16) Make out deposit slip      17) Endorse checks      18) Make deposit      19) Study instructions      20) Make cash withdrawal      21) Get in car      22) Check makeup      23) Look for keys      24) Start car      25) Check makeup      26) Start pulling away      27) STOP      28) Back up to machine      29) Get out of car      30) Take card and receipt      31) Get back in car      32) Put card in wallet      33) Put receipt in checkbook      34) Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook      35) Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook      36) Check makeup      37) Put car in gear, reverse      38) Put car in drive      39) Drive away from machine      40) Travel 3 miles      41) Release parking brakeView hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: PastorsLetters to the Pastor      Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago      Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.      Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix      Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert Anderson, age 11      Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven      Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany      Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma      Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota      Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City      Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven someday but later than sooner. Love, Ellen. Age 9, Athens      Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh      Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena      Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville      Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron      Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, LewistonView hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: MarriageSecret of a Long Life      Grandpa Jones was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."      The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.      "Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: FathersThe Truth About Dad      One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"      The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep with Daddy."      A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: ChurchThe Cleaning Woman      There was a little old cleaning woman that went to the local church. When the invitation was given at the end of the service, she went forward wanting to become a member. The pastor listened as she told him how she had accepted Jesus and wanted to be baptized and become a member of the church.      The pastor thought to himself, "oh my, she is so unkempt, even smells a little, and her fingernails are not clean. She picks up garbage, cleans toilets - what would the members think of her." He told her that she needed to go home and pray about it and then decide.      The following week, here she came again. She told the pastor that she had prayed about it and still wanted to be baptized. "I have passed this church for so long. It is so beautiful, and I truly want to become a member."      Again the pastor told her to go home and pray some more. A few weeks later while out eating at the restaurant, the pastor saw the little old lady. He did not want her to think that he was ignoring her so he approached her and said, "I have not seen you for a while. Is everything all right?"      "Oh, yes," she said. "I talked with Jesus, and he told me not to worry about becoming a member of your church."      "He did?" said the pastor.      "Oh, yes" she replied. "He said even He hasn't been able to get into your church yet, and He's been trying for years."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: PastorsThe Nine Of Us      In Budapest, a man goes to the pastor and complains, "Life is unbearable. There are nine of us living in one room. What can I do?"       The pastor answers, "Take your goat into the room with you."       The man in incredulous, but the pastor insists. "Do as I say and come back in a week."       A week later the man comes back looking more distraught than before. "We cannot stand it," he tells the pastor. "The goat is filthy."       The pastor then tells him, "Go home and let the goat out. And come back in a week."      A radiant man returns to the pastor a week later, exclaiming, "Life is beautiful. We enjoy every minute of it now that there's no goat-- only the nine of us.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: BibleThe Children of Israel      Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out." "What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.      "Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"      "Right."      "An' the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?"      "Er--right."      "An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"      "Again you're right."      "An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"      "All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"      "What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz allthe grown-ups doin?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: AnimalsHow to Tell the Weather      To Tell the weather, Go to your back door and look for the dog.      If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.      If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.      If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.      Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.      Sincerely,      The CATView hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: SchoolPlease Change This      Peter walked up to his teacher's desk, holding a report card with a big red F. "If I were you," said Peter, "I would change this while you still can."      "Why is that?" asked the teacher.      "Because my daddy told me that if I brought home one more failing report card, someone was going to get a beating."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: ChurchShow and Tell      A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment of bringing something to represent their religion.      The first boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is the Star of David."      The second boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm am Catholic and this is the Crucifix."      The third boy got in front of the class and said, " My name is Tommy and I am Baptist and this is a casserole."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: LawyersHere's An Orange      The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"      The student replied, "Here's an orange."      The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"      The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: LawyersReasonable Doubt      A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.      "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.      Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.      "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."      The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked, but your client didn't."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: RednecksThe Pig      This redneck was parked behind a trailer load of pigs near the zoo in Washington, DC. As the truck drove away--one of the pigs fell out. He walked over and picked the pig up and placed it in the front seat of his truck.      He was sitting there looking puzzled when a policeman walked up and asked what was going on. He told the story and the policeman recommended he take the pig to the zoo.      The redneck was sitting in the same spot the next day with the pig sitting up in the front seat. The cop said "didn't I ask you to take this pig to the zoo?"      The redneck replied "I did and he liked it so well--today I'm taking him to the movies!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: BlondesDeer Crossing      Recently a new neighbor, a blond haired woman, called the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.       The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and she didn't want them to cross there anymore.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: CopsCrime Doesn't Pay      A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:       "I have circled the block 100 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."       When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note.      "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: DoctorsDangerous Food      A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.      "Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.      "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"      A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: CrimeNew Yorkers in Heaven      One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang. walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, "God, there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?".      God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell."      St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!"      "Who, the New Yorkers?".      "No, the Pearly Gates."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: HypocritesWhat Would You Have Done      The two thousand member church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.      One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.      The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"      Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.      After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.      The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: Sunday SchoolAdam's Rib      At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.      Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he were ill, and said. "Johnny what is the matter?"      Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: Old FolksWalking On Water      Amanpreet heard a rumor that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays. So, on his 21st birthday, Amanpreet and his good friend Brian headed out to the lake.      "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted.      When Amanpreet and Brian arrived at the lake, they rented a boat and began paddling. When the got to the middle of the lake, Amanpreet stepped off of the side of the boat... and nearly drowned. Furious and somewhat shamed, he and Brian headed for home. When Amanpreet arrived back at the family farm, he asked his grandmother for an explanation.      "Grandma, why can I not walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?"      The feeble old grandmother took Amanpreet by the hands, looked into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January... you were born in July, dear."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: DrunksLanguage difficulties      A Chinese went to a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter, he sat next to a famous Hollywood producer, Steven Spielberg who was already ahead by a quart of alcohol.      The producer was glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash the Chinese crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious hook from the producer.      Picking himself up, he yelled, "What was that for?"      The producer ranted: "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbor, you $B%'%'([email protected]@!!$B%'%'(J! My dad perished in that bombing!"      "I am not Japanese, you stupid Nincompoop! I am a Chinese!"      "Yeah yeah yeah ...Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, Vietnamese, ... you are all the same."      Regaining his composure, the Chinese took his seat and ordered a double from the bartender. A few seconds later, the Chinese turned around and delivered a deadly snake fist to the producer, sending him flat to the floor.      "What was that for?!!" exclaimed the producer.      "That's for the sinking of the TITANIC! I had ancestors on that ship!" the Chinese replied.      "You ignorant chink! The TITANIC was sunk by an iceberg! " shouted the producer.      "Yeah yeah yeah... Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg... you are all the same!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: QuestionsQuestions to Ponder 1      How come wrong numbers are never busy?      Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?      Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?      Does killing time damage eternity?      Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?      Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?      Why is it that night falls but day breaks?      Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?      Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?      Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?      Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?      Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?      Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?      Did Noah keep his bees in archives?      Do pilots take crash-courses?      Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?      Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend