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ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

Clean Christian joke of the day.
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Today's category: PoliticsGarden of Eden A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking nude in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are definitely Russian."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: FaithThe Fall A man named Jack was walking along a steep cliff one day, when he accidentally got too close to the edge and fell. On the way down he grabbed a branch, which temporarily stopped his fall. He looked down and to his horror saw that the canyon fell straight down for more than a thousand feet. He couldn't hang onto the branch forever, and there was no way for him to climb up the steep wall of the cliff. So Jack began yelling for help, hoping that someone passing by would hear him and lower a rope or something. HELP! HELP! Is anyone up there? "HELP!" He yelled for a long time, but no one heard him. He was about to give up when he heard a voice. Jack, Jack. Can you hear me?" "Yes, yes! I can hear you. I'm down here!" "I can see you, Jack. Are you all right?" "Yes, but who are you, and where are you? "I am the Lord, Jack. I'm everywhere." "The Lord? You mean, GOD?" "That's Me." "God, please help me! I promise if, you'll get me down from here, I'll stop sinning. I'll be a really good person. I'll serve You for the rest of my life." "Easy on the promises, Jack. Let's get you off from there; then we can talk." "Now, here's what I want you to do. Listen carefully." "I'll do anything, Lord. Just tell me what to do." "Okay. Let go of the branch.""What?" "I said, let go of the branch. Just trust Me. Let go." There was a long silence. Finally Jack yelled, "HELP! HELP! IS ANYONE ELSE UP THERE?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PastorsThe Talking Frog A pastor was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week" The pastor took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and give you anything you want." Again the pastor took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and give you anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The pastor said, "Look I'm an pastor. I already have a wife, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MarriageBlack and White Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DeathThe Dying Preacher An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats. Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?" The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: ChurchThree Hymns One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. And there sat our Rosie all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: SchoolAnger vs. Exasperation A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?" The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean." With that, the father went to the telephone an dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?" The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?" "See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something, and we annoyed him. Now watch . . ." The father dialed the same number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father. "Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number, and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver was slammed down hard. The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means." He dialed the same number, and a violent voice roared, "HELLO!" The father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PastorsBats in your Belfry Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One of them said, "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with them flying bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything, but nothing seems to scare them off. Another pastor said "Yes, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away!" The third pastor said, "I baptized all mine, made them members of the church, and they haven't seen one back since!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: AmishRobbing the Amish Two fellers were in desparate need of cash, but admittedly were a bit cowardly. So the one suggested they break into the Amish market. The logic being that since the Amish were non-resistant, even if they were caught, no harm could befall them. Thus they carried out their plot. However, just as they were breaking into the cash register, the owner turned on the lights and confronted them, a shotgun pointed directly at them. Calmly, the Amishman said, Boys, I would never do thee any harm yet you are standing where I am about to shoot.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: HusbandsPlaying House A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey Billy, want to play house?" He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" Sally replied, "I want you to communicate your feelings." "Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Billy... "I have no idea what that means." The little girl nods and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: AnimalsGone to the Dogs There was this man that had a dog. He came home one day, and his dog was belly up with its legs sticking in the air. He wasn't sure if it was dead or not, so he took it to the vet. He told the vet of his problem, and the vet said that there was a sure-fire way to see if the dog is indeed dead. He left the room and returned with a cat. He rubbed the cat in the dogs face, and after a while came to the conclusion that the dog was indeed dead. The man was upset and asked the doctor how much he owed him. The doctor said, "$550" The man was stunned. He asked the doctor to explain and the doctor said, "Fifty for the visit, and 500 for the cat-scan..."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: WivesFor Better or Worse Darling," said the swooning man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my small income?" "Of course, dearest, no trouble," she said. "But what will you live on?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: AnimalsCross-eyed Rottweiler A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to the vet: "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for it?" "Well" said the vet "lets have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and has a good look at it's eyes. "Well" says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down" "Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man. "No, because he's heavy" says the vet.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: BibleBiblical Songs Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise" Lazarus: "The Second Time Around" Esther: "I Feel Pretty" Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues" Moses: "The Wanderer" Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp" Samson: "Hair" Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night" Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" Joshua: "Good Vibrations" Peter: "I'm Sorry" Esau: "Born To Be Wild" Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!" The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star" Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale" Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away" Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive" Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Church SignsChurch Bloopers 2 1) Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All" 2) The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth. 3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 4) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 5) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her. 6) 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why. 7) A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday. 8) Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir. 9) On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better. 10) Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow. 11) Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help. 12) The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11. 13) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: LawyersAbout That Donation A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no." "--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Old FolksThen and Now Then: Long hair Now : Longing for hair Then: A keg Now : An EKG Then: Acid rock Now : Acid reflux Then: Moving to California because it's cool. Now : Moving to California because it's hot. Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents Now : Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor Now : Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor Then: Killer weed Now : Weed killer Then: The Grateful Dead Now : Dr. Kevorkian Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint Now : Getting a new hip jointView hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: AmishA Miracle Transformation An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights w/numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: GreedSympathetic Visitor A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses. "Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400." "How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?" The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MilitarySales Pitch Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PrayerToo Much Prayer Johnny, a very bright 5 year old, told his daddy he'd like to have a baby brother and, along with his request, offered to do whatever he could to help. His dad, a very bright 35 year old, paused for a moment and then replied, " I'll tell you what, Johnny, if you pray every day for two months for a baby brother, I guarantee that God will give you one!" Johnny responded eagerly to his dad's challenge and went to his bedroom early that night to start praying for a baby brother. He prayed every night for a whole month, but after that time, he began to get skeptical. He checked around the neighborhood and found out that what he thought was going to happen, had never occurred in the history of the neighborhood. You just don't pray for two months and then, whammo- a new baby brother. So, Johnny quit praying. After another month, Johnny's mother went to the hospital. When she came back home, Johnny's parents called him into the bedroom. He cautiously walked into the room, not expecting to find anything, and there was a little bundle lying right next to his mother. His dad pulled back the blanket and there was -- not one baby brother, but two!! His mother had twins! Johnny's dad looked down at him and said, "Now aren't you glad you prayed?" Johnny hesitated a little and then looked up at his dad and said, "Yes, but aren't you glad I quit when I did?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MilitaryDivert Your Course This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operation 10-10-95 Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No...I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: This is a lighthouse.... Divert YOUR course.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: TechnologyThe Weatherman A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an Old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?" The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PilotsHelp While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!" Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs. "Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?" The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?" "There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: FarmersFarmer Joe's Day In Court Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?," questioned the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'" Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

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