Today's category: MarriageMy Relatives A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: CrimeJust One Wish Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes. At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific." They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiuful new family. I love it." They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: MiscellaneousMoney In Mexico Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Medico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able to catch him. He falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what is a pinata?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: SatanSatan Goes to Church One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families. Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do." Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't." Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: KidsQuite a Puzzle A father wanted to read the paper, but was being bothered by his little daughter, Susie. Finally, he took a sheet out of his magazine, on which was printed the map of the world. Tearing it into small pieces, he gave it to Susie, and said, "Go into the other room and see if you can put this together." After a few minutes, Susie returned and handed him the map correctly fitted together. The father was very surprised and asked how she had finished so quickly. "Oh", she said, "on the other side of the paper is a picture of Jesus. When I got Jesus in His place, then the world came out all right."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: PrayerIn All Things Give Thanks A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: FaithHave Faith My Child For the umpteenth time Mrs. Youngston came to her pastor to tell him, "I'm so scared! Joe says he's going to kill me if I continue to come to your church." "Yes, yes, my child," replied the pastor, more than a little tired of hearing this over and over. "I will continue to pray for you, Mrs. Youngston. Have faith - the Lord will watch over you." "Oh yes, he has kept me safe thus far, only....." "Only what, my child?" "Well, now he says if I keep coming to your church, he's going to kill YOU!" "Well, now," said the pastor, "Perhaps it's time to check out that little church on the other side of town."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: FathersThe Brown Apple A four-year-old boy was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?" "Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidise, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color." There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, "Daddy, are you talking to me?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: MiscellaneousChicken Little Mrs. Fleshman goes to the butcher shop to buy a chicken for the Sunday meal. The butcher has only one scrawny chicken left. He puts it on the scale. "Three pounds," he says. "That's too scrawny; don't you have something bigger?" Mrs. Fleshman asks. He pretends to rummage around, and then puts the same chicken back on the scale, while pressing with his thumb. "Three and a half pounds," he says. "That looks better," says Mrs. Fleshman. "I'll take them both."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: SportsDumb Jock The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there. "Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department." "Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look." He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered. Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir," he reported. "Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: DeathDo Something Nice For Dad Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill." Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on. "Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: KidsA Nickle or a Dime There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. The boys say he is two bricks short of a load, or couple fries short of a happy meal. To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger. One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" Junior said, "No sir, you see if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: PilotsFirst Class Seat A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: BraggersThe Sahara A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man. "Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down." The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man. The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?" "In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man. "You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack. The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: PastorsLetters to the Pastor Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville. Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert Anderson, age 11 Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven someday but later than sooner. Love, Ellen. Age 9, Athens Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, LewistonView hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: MarriageSecret of a Long Life Grandpa Jones was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now." The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. "Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: FathersThe Truth About Dad One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep with Daddy." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: ChurchThe Cleaning Woman There was a little old cleaning woman that went to the local church. When the invitation was given at the end of the service, she went forward wanting to become a member. The pastor listened as she told him how she had accepted Jesus and wanted to be baptized and become a member of the church. The pastor thought to himself, "oh my, she is so unkempt, even smells a little, and her fingernails are not clean. She picks up garbage, cleans toilets - what would the members think of her." He told her that she needed to go home and pray about it and then decide. The following week, here she came again. She told the pastor that she had prayed about it and still wanted to be baptized. "I have passed this church for so long. It is so beautiful, and I truly want to become a member." Again the pastor told her to go home and pray some more. A few weeks later while out eating at the restaurant, the pastor saw the little old lady. He did not want her to think that he was ignoring her so he approached her and said, "I have not seen you for a while. Is everything all right?" "Oh, yes," she said. "I talked with Jesus, and he told me not to worry about becoming a member of your church." "He did?" said the pastor. "Oh, yes" she replied. "He said even He hasn't been able to get into your church yet, and He's been trying for years."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: PastorsThe Nine Of Us In Budapest, a man goes to the pastor and complains, "Life is unbearable. There are nine of us living in one room. What can I do?" The pastor answers, "Take your goat into the room with you." The man in incredulous, but the pastor insists. "Do as I say and come back in a week." A week later the man comes back looking more distraught than before. "We cannot stand it," he tells the pastor. "The goat is filthy." The pastor then tells him, "Go home and let the goat out. And come back in a week." A radiant man returns to the pastor a week later, exclaiming, "Life is beautiful. We enjoy every minute of it now that there's no goat-- only the nine of us.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: MiscellaneousKosher Pork Rabbi Ezra, his wife, and their children, were really curious as to why Gentiles were so fond of eating pork. They decided to try some, but there was nowhere in town they could go and not be seen. One weekend, the Rabbi and his family traveled to a distant town, went into a restaurant, and ordered roast pork. While they were waiting to be served, a member of Rabbi Ezra's Synagogue walks in. He sees the Rabbi and his family. The member asks if he could join them for dinner. The Rabbi has no choice but to agree. A while later, the waiter returns with the Rabbi's meal. He takes the cover off the large platter, and there is a whole roast pig, with an apple in its mouth. The Synagogue member is more than a little shocked. "What a fancy place," explains the Rabbi quickly. "Just look at how they serve the apple I ordered."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: BibleThe Children of Israel Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out." "What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt. "Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?" "Right." "An' the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?" "Er--right." "An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?" "Again you're right." "An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?" "All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?" "What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz allthe grown-ups doin?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: PilotsSkydiving Lesson All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions. One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?" Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: AnimalsHow to Tell the Weather To Tell the weather, Go to your back door and look for the dog. If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard. If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy. If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing. Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather. Sincerely, The CATView hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: SchoolPlease Change This Peter walked up to his teacher's desk, holding a report card with a big red F. "If I were you," said Peter, "I would change this while you still can." "Why is that?" asked the teacher. "Because my daddy told me that if I brought home one more failing report card, someone was going to get a beating."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: ChurchShow and Tell A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment of bringing something to represent their religion. The first boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is the Star of David." The second boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm am Catholic and this is the Crucifix." The third boy got in front of the class and said, " My name is Tommy and I am Baptist and this is a casserole."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend