Today's category: Old FolksThen and Now      Then: Long hair      Now : Longing for hair      Then: A keg      Now : An EKG      Then: Acid rock      Now : Acid reflux      Then: Moving to California because it's cool.      Now : Moving to California because it's hot.      Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents      Now : Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids      Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor      Now : Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor      Then: Killer weed      Now : Weed killer      Then: The Grateful Dead      Now : Dr. Kevorkian      Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint      Now : Getting a new hip jointView hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: LawyersAbout That Donation      A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.      "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"      The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"      Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no." "--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"      The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"      The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."      On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: BibleBiblical Songs      Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"      Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"      Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"      Esther: "I Feel Pretty"      Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"      Moses: "The Wanderer"      Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"      Samson: "Hair"      Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"      Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"      Joshua: "Good Vibrations"      Peter: "I'm Sorry"      Esau: "Born To Be Wild"      Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"      The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"      Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"      Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"      Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"      Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: WivesFor Better or Worse      Darling," said the swooning man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my small income?"      "Of course, dearest, no trouble," she said. "But what will you live on?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: AnimalsGone to the Dogs      There was this man that had a dog. He came home one day, and his dog was belly up with its legs sticking in the air.      He wasn't sure if it was dead or not, so he took it to the vet. He told the vet of his problem, and the vet said that there was a sure-fire way to see if the dog is indeed dead.      He left the room and returned with a cat. He rubbed the cat in the dogs face, and after a while came to the conclusion that the dog was indeed dead.      The man was upset and asked the doctor how much he owed him. The doctor said, "$550" The man was stunned. He asked the doctor to explain and the doctor said, "Fifty for the visit, and 500 for the cat-scan..."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: MarriageBlack and White      Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"      "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."      The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: GodGod the Parent      Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."      "Don't what?" Adam asked.      "Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit." God replied.      "Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit?      Hey, Eve..we got Forbidden Fruit!"      "No way!"      "Where?"      "Don't eat that fruit!" said God.      "Why?"      "Because I am your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.      A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.      "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the 'First Parent' asked.      "Uh huh," Adam replied.      "Then why did you?"      "I dunno," Eve answered.      "She started it!" Adam said.      "Did not!"      "DID so!"      "DID NOT!"      Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own...thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: FaithThe Fall      A man named Jack was walking along a steep cliff one day, when he accidentally got too close to the edge and fell. On the way down he grabbed a branch, which temporarily stopped his fall. He looked down and to his horror saw that the canyon fell straight down for more than a thousand feet.      He couldn't hang onto the branch forever, and there was no way for him to climb up the steep wall of the cliff. So Jack began yelling for help, hoping that someone passing by would hear him and lower a rope or something.      HELP! HELP! Is anyone up there? "HELP!"      He yelled for a long time, but no one heard him. He was about to give up when he heard a voice. Jack, Jack. Can you hear me?"      "Yes, yes! I can hear you. I'm down here!"      "I can see you, Jack. Are you all right?"      "Yes, but who are you, and where are you?      "I am the Lord, Jack. I'm everywhere."      "The Lord? You mean, GOD?"      "That's Me."      "God, please help me! I promise if, you'll get me down from here, I'll stop sinning. I'll be a really good person. I'll serve You for the rest of my life."      "Easy on the promises, Jack. Let's get you off from there; then we can talk."      "Now, here's what I want you to do. Listen carefully."      "I'll do anything, Lord. Just tell me what to do."      "Okay. Let go of the branch.""What?" "I said, let go of the branch. Just trust Me. Let go."      There was a long silence.      Finally Jack yelled, "HELP! HELP! IS ANYONE ELSE UP THERE?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: PoliticsGarden of Eden      A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking nude in the Garden of Eden.      "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."      "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."      "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are definitely Russian."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: LawyersHeart Transplant      A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object.      "I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's $100,000.      The second is from a marathon runner, 24 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000.      The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, and a steak lover. It's $500,000."      "Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"      "Yeah, but it's from a lawyer and never been used."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: SportsCalling in Sick      Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.      One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"      There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.      The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: Men vs. WomenBrain Transplant      In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.      "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news" he said as he surveyed the worried faces.      "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.      It's an experimental procedure, quite risky, and you'll have to pay for the brain yourselves."      The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At length, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"      The doctor quickly responded, "A female brain goes for $20,000. A male brain costs $50,000."      The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.      A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why does the male brain cost so much more?"      The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then said to the entire group,       "It's a standard pricing procedure. We mark the female brains down because they're used."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: LoveDear John...      Dear John,      I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.      Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.      I was a fool - nobody can take your place. I love you.      All my love,      Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx      P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: CopsA Bad Move      A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.      "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.      "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.      The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"      "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice night", said the officer.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: Men vs. WomenToo Much Talk      A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men. He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, whereas women use 20,000 words per day.      His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.      Her husband looked stunned. He said "What?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: DeathGood Old Fred      Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.      As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.      The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.      The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.      At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."      He opened the note, and read, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: BlondesPOOF      Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room, there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie, *POOF* you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.      A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I`m the most beautiful woman in the world." *POOF* The mirror swallows her.      Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I think I`m the sexiest woman alive! *POOF* The mirror swallows her.      Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." *POOF*View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: Sunday SchoolSunday Funnies      A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"      As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late... But please don't shove me either!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: Old FolksPrayer of Senility      For those of us who are getting a little older:       Prayer for Senility      God grant me the Senility      to forget the people      never liked anyway,      the good fortune      to run into the ones I do,      and the eyesight      to tell the difference...View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: TechnologyGates Gets Punished      Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go."      Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"      Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.      When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."      Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.      Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.      Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.      "So, how is everything going?" God asked.      Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?      "That was the demo," replied God.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: PoliticsImprovements      The Old Cherokee Chief sat in his humble reservation hut smoking his ceremonial pipe and eyeing the two visiting U.S. Government officials who had been sent to interview his opinion of the white man's progress.      "Chief", one offical began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products -- you have seen all his progress and his problems."      The Chief nodded "Yes".      The official continued, "Considering recent events, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?"      The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied:      "When white found this land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty deer, turkey and beaver. Women did most of the cooking and crop work. Medicine man free to help sick. Indian men hunted and fished all the time. We never had cheating hushands and wives--we kill cheaters."      The Chief smiled and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: BlondesThe Ventriloquist      A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blond jokes, when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes!      What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?      It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person ... because you and our kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large ... all in the name of humor."      Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blond stops him. "You stay out of this. Mister, I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: QuestionsLight Bulb Jokes 3      1. How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?      - Choose any number you like, but first you must make sure the light bulb WANTS to change.      2. How many Computer Programmers does it take to change a light bulb?      - None, that's a hardware problem.      3. How many Telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?      - One, but he has to do it while you're eating dinner.      4. How many Politicians does it take to change a light bulb?      - First it takes a probe to find out why the bulb burned out, a committee to study the cost of replacement, a liberal to make sure the bulb's civil rights aren't infringed, a conservative to sell the used bulbs to our enemies, and a president to explain to the tax payers why change is good.      5. How many Doctors does it take to change a light bulb?      - Well, it depends. How much insurance does the light bulb have?      6. How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?      - FIFTEEN! YOU GOTTA PROBLEM WITH THAT?      7. How many Economists does it take to change a light bulb?      - None, they're waiting for the unseen hand of the market to correct the lighting disequilibrium.      8. How many Microsoft Engineers does it take to change a light bulb?      - None, they just redefine darkness as the new standard.      9. How many Lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?      - Whereas the party of the first part, hereinafter referred to as the "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, hereinafter referred to as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to ...(on and on, ad infinitum, ad nauseum)View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: ChurchA Sure Cure      Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.      Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."      The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!!!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: Old FolksGrandma is Like God      My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"      You're both old," he replied.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend