Today's category: AnimalsGone to the Dogs      There was this man that had a dog. He came home one day, and his dog was belly up with its legs sticking in the air.      He wasn't sure if it was dead or not, so he took it to the vet. He told the vet of his problem, and the vet said that there was a sure-fire way to see if the dog is indeed dead.      He left the room and returned with a cat. He rubbed the cat in the dogs face, and after a while came to the conclusion that the dog was indeed dead.      The man was upset and asked the doctor how much he owed him. The doctor said, "$550" The man was stunned. He asked the doctor to explain and the doctor said, "Fifty for the visit, and 500 for the cat-scan..."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: WivesFor Better or Worse      Darling," said the swooning man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my small income?"      "Of course, dearest, no trouble," she said. "But what will you live on?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: Church SignsChurch Bloopers 2      1) Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"      2) The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.      3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.      4) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.      5) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.      6) 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.      7) A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.      8) Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.      9) On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.      10) Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.      11) Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.      12) The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.      13) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: LawyersAbout That Donation      A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.      "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"      The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"      Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no." "--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"      The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"      The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."      On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: Old FolksThen and Now      Then: Long hair      Now : Longing for hair      Then: A keg      Now : An EKG      Then: Acid rock      Now : Acid reflux      Then: Moving to California because it's cool.      Now : Moving to California because it's hot.      Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents      Now : Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids      Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor      Now : Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor      Then: Killer weed      Now : Weed killer      Then: The Grateful Dead      Now : Dr. Kevorkian      Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint      Now : Getting a new hip jointView hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: AmishA Miracle Transformation      An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."      While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights w/numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.      The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: GreedSympathetic Visitor      A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.      "Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."      "How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"      The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: MilitarySales Pitch      Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.      It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.      Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.      Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."      "Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: MilitaryDivert Your Course      This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operation 10-10-95      Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.      Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.      Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.      Canadians: No...I say again, you divert YOUR course.      Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.      Canadians: This is a lighthouse.... Divert YOUR course.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: TechnologyThe Weatherman      A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an Old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."      The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.      Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"      The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: PilotsHelp      While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"      Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.      The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.      Each crew member attached the package to their backs.      "Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"      The pilot said they were.      The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"      "There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: FarmersFarmer Joe's Day In Court      Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer      Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?," questioned the lawyer.      Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......."      "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"      Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."      The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."      By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."      Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.      Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: DrunksWant to Go to Heaven      Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father."      The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"      "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.      "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"      O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."      The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"      O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: KidsThru a child's eyes      It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3 year old daughter, Katelyn. Heidi started to go into labor and called 911.      Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic was able to respond to the call.      The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.      Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.      The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help, and asked the wide-eyed 3 year old Katelyn what she thought about what she had just witnessed.      Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: CopsDon't Say This To A Cop      1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.      2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in..      3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?      4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!      5. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?      6. I pay your salary!      7. So, uh, you on the take, or what?      8. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!      9. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.      10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around-that's how far ahead of me they are.      11. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of money from the bank robbery, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.      12. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: PastorsFalling Off The Horse      The old time pastor was galloping down the road, rushing to get to church on time. Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground. In the dirt with a broken leg, the pastor called out, "All you saints in Heaven, help me get up on my horse!"       Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side.      Once again on the ground, he called to Heaven, "All right, just half of you this time!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: GodWoops      A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.      Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it.      She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding by. She arrives in front of God and complains, "I thought you said I had another 30 years."      God replies, "I didn't recognize you."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: CrimeFrom the Mouth of Babes      Little Johnny's kindergarden class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men.       One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.       "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."       Little Johnny asked, "So, why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: HypocritesThe Millionaire      At a church meeting a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Christian faith.      "I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I remember that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God's work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today."      He finished and there was an awed silence at his testimony as he moved toward his seat. As he sat down a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him: "I dare you to do it again."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: CreationWhy God Created Animals      A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?" Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."      And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."      And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."      And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."      And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.      After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."      And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."      And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.      And God was pleased.      And Adam was greatly improved.      And Dog was happy.      And the Cat didn't give a hoot one way or the other.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: DeathThe Evil BrotheThe Evil Bro      In a small town, there were two brothers who, over the course of many years, cheated, swindled, robbed and generally stole from everyone that they ever did business with.      The entire town and surrounding community reviled and despised these two brothers as everyone was aware of just how disreputable and dishonest they were.      One day, one of the brothers mysteriously died.      Although they had never attended church, the one remaining brother went to the local pastor and offered vast sums of money if he would come to the funeral and say the appropriate words, AND, a large bonus, but ONLY if he would - during the course of the eulogy -refer to his brother as "a Saint."      The pastor was troubled by the request, however, it was a very poor church and the church desperately needed repairs.      The Parishioners had heard about the pastor's dilemma and were curious as to what he would do.      The Funeral began, the church was packed, and the pastor started with the usual prayers and followed the rites and traditions as required by the churches teachings. In closing, after referring to the man in the box, he paused and turned to face the remaining brother.      He began, "As you all know, the departed was an awful individual who robbed, cheated, swindled and stole from everyone he ever did business with.      However, compared to his Brother, he was - "a Saint!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: DrunksThe Drunk at Church      A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.      The pastor has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.      He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand."      The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.      Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!"      The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.      Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: DeathA Dying Wish      There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. led down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.      With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.      Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did you do that?"      "Those are for the funeral."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: CrimeWhat's in the Bags      A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his shoulders. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"      The fellow says, "Sand!"      The guard wants to examine them. The fellow gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground, opens them up, and the guard inspects... only to find sand. The fellow packs the sand, places the bags on his shoulders, and pedals the bike across the border.      Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated...      "What have you there?"      "Sand"      "We want to examine."      Same results... nothing but sand and the fellow is on his way again.      Every two weeks for six months the inspections continue. Finally, one week the fellow didn't show up. However, the guard sees him downtown and says to the fellow, "Buddy, you had us crazy. We sort of knew you were smuggling something. I won't say anything what were you smuggling?"      The fellow says, "Bicycles."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: ChristmasDesparate Measures      Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Johnny, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead." After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.      Dear Jesus,      I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.      Your Friend,      Little Johnny      Now Little Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (Brat).      So, he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.      Dear Jesus,      I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.      Yours Truly,      Little Johnny      Well, Little Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again.      Dear Jesus,      I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a new bicycle?      Signed,      Little Johnny      Well, Little Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother was really wanting. He crumpled up the letter and threw it in the trash can and went running outside.      He aimlessly wandered about; depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considering his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church.      Little Johnny went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Little Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home hid it under his bed and wrote this letter.      Jesus,      I've broken most of the Ten Commandments; shot spit wads in school, tore up my sister's Barbie doll and lots more. I'm desperate. I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.      Signed,      You know whoView hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend