Today's category: DeathMud Baths      A man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."      "But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great! I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"      After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."      Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"      "No," Replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: HeavenShhhhhhhh!      A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Denomination?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."      Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Denomination?"      "Lutheran."      "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."      A third man arrives at the gates. "Denomination?"      "Presbyterian."      "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."      The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different denominations, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"      St. Peter tells him, "Well the Baptists are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: PrayerThe Hikers      One day, Joe, Bob and Dave were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.      Joe prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."      Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times.      Seeing this, Dave prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river."      Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.      Bob had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river."      Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: Old FolksThree Old Sisters      There were 3 sisters living together 92, 94 and 95 yrs. old. The oldest went upstairs one evening to take a bath. As she was getting in the tub with one foot in and one foot out, she called down to her sisters, "Am I getting in the tub or am I getting out of the tub?"      The 94 yr. old decided to go upstairs to see if she could help figure out the situation. She got to the 3rd step and stopped - then called out, "Was I going up the stairs or was I coming down the stairs?"      The 92 yr. old, sitting at the kitchen table, thought she better knock on wood and as she knocked on the kitchen table she said, "I hope I never get as bad as my sisters. Now was that the front door or the back door?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: BibleThe Historical Flight      Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.      "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.      "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said.      "But who's the fourth person?"      "Oh, that's Pontius-the Pilot.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: LoveValentine's Day Dream      After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"      "You'll know tonight." he said.      That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: MistakesWrong Detergent      A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom and Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.      "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."      "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."      But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.      About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said.      The grocer, trying not to be an "I-told-you-so", said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."      "Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."      "Oh? What was it then?"      "I think it was the spin cycle!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: MistakesDinner Date      The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job." he said and handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank-you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."      Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?"      "Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: LawyersCigars For The Judge      A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."      "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.      "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"      "Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."      Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"      "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."      "But, I did send them."      "What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously.      "Yes. That's how we won the case."      "I don't understand," said the lawyer.      "It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but signed the plaintiff's name."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: CopsSmall Town Justice      A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man said, "I can explain."      "Just be quiet!!!" snapped the officer. "...or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back."      "But officer, I just wanted to say...."      "And I said KEEP QUIET! Now you're going to jail!"      A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."      "Don't count on it," said the man in the cell. "I'm the groom!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: WivesA Spectacular Job      One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared. "I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.      The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."      "Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: PilotsHave A Good Flight      This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.      "If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.      "If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.      "If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.      "That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: LoveCan't Go Through The Woods      A man was going to the county fair one day with a pig under one arm and a chicken under one arm, and a basket on his head. He came to a crossroads and didn't know which way to turn. While he stood there deciding, a young woman approached him, heading the same direction.      "Please, ma'am, I'm on the way to the county fair. Can you tell me which way to go?"      "Yes," she replied. "I'm on my way there, too. We'll go right down this way about a mile, turn left about a mile and a half, left again about a mile and we're right there."      He said, "Wait a minute... down here, turn left and left again? Couldn't we save a lot of time by walking through these woods?"      She replied, "Yes, we could. But I couldn't walk through those woods with you. Why... you might try to kiss me!"      "Listen," he said, "how could I possibly kiss anybody with a pig under one arm, a chicken under one arm and a basket on my head?"      "Well," she replied, "you could put that chicken on the ground, turn the basket upside down over the chicken, and I could hold that little bitty ole pig."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: MistakesBirthday Gift      A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.      That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.      As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.      The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: ChristmasSanta's A Woman      I think Santa Claus is a woman....I hate to be the one to defy a sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!      For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.      Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.      Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.      Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.      Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:      - Men can't pack a bag.      - Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.      - Men don't answer their mail.      - Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."      - Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.      - Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.      - Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: KidsEenie Meenie      A census taker walked up to a woman who was sitting on a porch. After introducing himself, he said, "How many children do you have?"      The woman answered, "Four."      The census taker asked, "May I have their names, please?" The woman replied, "Eenie, Meenie, Minie, and George."      Confused, the census taker said, "May I ask why you named your fourth child 'George'?"      "Surely, because we didn't want any Moe."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: SportsStanley Cup Finals      A man named Fred had tickets to game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals, right at center ice. As Fred sat down, a man came and asked him if anyone was going to occupy the seat next to him.      "No," said Fred, "sit right down. The seat will be empty."      "That's incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would reserve a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and then not use it?"      Fred said, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married nearly 50 years ago."      "Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor - to take her seat?"      Fred shook his head sadly. "No. They're all at the funeral."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: BibleThe New Pastor      An older preacher told the story of a young minister interviewing for his first pastorate. The Pulpit Committee had invited him to come over to their church for the interview. The committee chairman asked, "Son, do you know the Bible pretty good?"      The young minister said, "Yes, pretty good." The chairman asked, "Which part do you know best?" He responded saying, "I know the New Testament best." "Which part of the New Testament do you know best," asked the chairman. The young minister said, "Several parts." The chairman said, "Well, why don't you tell us the story of the Prodigal Son." The young man said, "Fine."      "There was a man of the Pharisees name Nicodemus, who went down to Jericho by night and he fell upon stony ground and the thorns choked him half to death.       "The next morning Solomon and his wife, Gomorrah, came by, and carried him down to the ark for Moses to take care of. But, as he was going through the Eastern Gate into the Ark, he caught his hair in a limb and he hung there forty days and forty nights and he afterwards did hunger. And, the ravens came and fed him.      "The next day, the three wise men came and carried him down to the boat dock and he caught a ship to Ninevah. And when he got there he found Delilah sitting on the wall. He said, "Chunk her down, boys, chunk her down." And, they said, "How many times shall we chunk her down, till seven time seven?" And he said, "Nay, but seventy times seven." And they chucked her down four hundred and ninety times.      "And, she burst asunder in their midst. And they picked up twelve baskets of the leftovers. And, in the resurrection whose wife shall she be?"      The Committee chairman suddenly interrupted the young minister and said to the remainder of the committee, "Fellows, I think we ought to ask the church to call him as our minister.      He is awfully young, but he sure does know his Bible."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: WivesHousewife Woes      The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" she said. "What kind of a day are you having?"      "Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight."      The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."      "George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"      "Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 223-1374?      "No, this is 223-1375."      "Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."      There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: SermonsA Joke Backfires      A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry. Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers.      One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.      The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.      Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: TechnologyWinter Is Coming      The Indians asked their Chief in autumn, if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.      Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter going to be cold?"      The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed."      So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"      "Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."      So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?"      "Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: MiscellaneousHandy Tips      Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.      Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.      Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.      No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.      Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected.)      If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: SermonsBragging boys      Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."      The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."      The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: WivesGoing to Bed      Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed."      She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.      She then put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game pieces left on the table and put the telephone book back into the drawer. She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry.      She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse.      Mom then washed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails. Hubby called, "I thought you were going to bed."      "I'm on my way," she said.      She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.      In the bedroom, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow.      About that time, hubby turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular "I'm going to bed," and he did.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

Today's category: PrayerYou Shouldn't Skip Church      A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside.      Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move.      "Oh Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish.... please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"      That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher's feet.      "Dear Lord, bless this food I am about to receive... in Jesus' name... Amen."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend