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ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

Clean Christian joke of the day.
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Today's category: Old FolksThe Blinking Light¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Sixty year old John went on to his annual checkup. The doctor asked him if he was still getting up in the middle of the night and going to the bathroom.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ He replied, "Yes But the lord has made it much better for me, He turns on the light when I go and He turns off the light when I am done".¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The doctor replied, "Really"!!!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ About and hour after that the doctor called Johns wife and said: He looks fine. But he said that God is making it better for him, when he gets up and Goes to the bathroom during the night God turns on and off the light.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ She replied, "that old fool he has been going to the bathroom in the refrigerator again".View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MarriageThe Wrong Wish¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof - the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ He said; "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ So the the fairy picked up her wand and poof - the husband was 90.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: CreationA Childs Point Of View¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The story of Adam and Eve was being carefully explained in the children's Sunday School class. Following the story, the children were asked to draw some picture that would illustrate the story.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Little Bobby was most interested and drew a picture of a car with three people in it. In the front seat, behind the wheel was a man and in the back seat, a man and a woman.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The teacher was at a loss to understand how this illustrated the lesson of Adam and Eve.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ But little Bobby was prompt with his explanation. "Why, this is God driving Adam and Eve out of the garden!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: TechnologyChristian Computer Virus¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ You have just received the "Christian Computer Virus."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Because we are Christians, this virus works on the honor system.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Please delete all the files on your hard drive, then manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Thanks for your cooperation.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MarriageMy Relatives¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: CrimeJust One Wish¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiuful new family. I love it."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Old FolksContemporary Art¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. "What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MiscellaneousMoney In Mexico¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Medico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able to catch him. He falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time he is bruised and bleeding.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what is a pinata?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: SatanSatan Goes to Church¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: KidsQuite a Puzzle¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A father wanted to read the paper, but was being bothered by his little daughter, Susie. Finally, he took a sheet out of his magazine, on which was printed the map of the world. Tearing it into small pieces, he gave it to Susie, and said, "Go into the other room and see if you can put this together."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ After a few minutes, Susie returned and handed him the map correctly fitted together. The father was very surprised and asked how she had finished so quickly.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Oh", she said, "on the other side of the paper is a picture of Jesus. When I got Jesus in His place, then the world came out all right."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PrayerIn All Things Give Thanks¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: FaithHave Faith My Child¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ For the umpteenth time Mrs. Youngston came to her pastor to tell him, "I'm so scared! Joe says he's going to kill me if I continue to come to your church."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Yes, yes, my child," replied the pastor, more than a little tired of hearing this over and over. "I will continue to pray for you, Mrs. Youngston. Have faith - the Lord will watch over you."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Oh yes, he has kept me safe thus far, only....."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Only what, my child?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Well, now he says if I keep coming to your church, he's going to kill YOU!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Well, now," said the pastor, "Perhaps it's time to check out that little church on the other side of town."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Bible10-inches deep¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A boy was sitting on a park bench with one hand resting on an open Bible. He was loudly exclaiming his praise to God. "Hallelujah! Hallelujah! God is great!" he yelled without worrying whether anyone heard him or not. ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Shortly after, along came a man who had recently completed some studies at a local university. Feeling himself very enlightened in the ways of truth and very eager to show this enlightenment, he asked the boy about the source of his joy. ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Hey" asked the boy in return with a bright laugh, "Don't you have any idea what God is able to do? I just read that God opened up the waves of the Red Sea and led the whole nation of Israel right through the middle." ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The enlightened man laughed lightly, sat down next to the boy and began to try to open his eyes to the "realities" of the miracles of the Bible. "That can all be very easily explained. Modern scholarship has shown that the Red Sea in that area was only 10-inches deep at that time. It was no problem for the Israelites to wade across." ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The boy was stumped. His eyes wandered from the man back to the Bible laying open in his lap. The man, content that he had enlightened a poor, naive young person to the finer points of scientific insight, turned to go. Scarcely had he taken two steps when the boy began to rejoice and praise louder than before. The man turned to ask the reason for this resumed jubilation. ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Wow!" exclaimed the boy happily, "God is greater than I thought! Not only did He lead the whole nation of Israel through the Red Sea, He topped it off by drowning the whole Egyptian army in 10 inches of water!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Old FolksThe Lovely Wreck¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ An old man who'd lived all his life back up in the hills came to visit a childhood friend. Now he'd never laid eyes on a train or the iron rails on which they run.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Standing in the middle of the tracks one day, he heard a distant whistle... WOOOO--ooo---OOOOO! but didn't have a clue as to what it meant or his impending danger.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Predictably, the old boy is hit -- fortunately it's just a side swipe, and he's thrown, head over heels off the tracks, get's off with minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at a friend's place for dinner one evening. Standing in the kitchen, he hears the rising whistle of the family tea kettle wooOOO....¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Springing into action, he grabs a rolling pin and mercilessly bashes and smashes the once merry kettle into a useless, shapeless hunk of copper.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ His friend, hearing the fuss, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks his friend, "Why'd you wreck our lovely tea kettle?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The mountain man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: GreedThe Dumb Yuppie¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!" he whined. ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" Oh my gaaad...", replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Where's my Rolex!!!!!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: FathersThe Brown Apple¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A four-year-old boy was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidise, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, "Daddy, are you talking to me?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: LoveThe Barbie Dolls¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The Manager replied, "Which one? We have, 'Barbie goes to the gym'for $19.95 ...¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ...¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 'Barbie goes shopping for $19.95 ...¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95...¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 ...¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" Dad asked surprised.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MiscellaneousTickets Please¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MiscellaneousChicken Little¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Mrs. Fleshman goes to the butcher shop to buy a chicken for the Sunday meal. The butcher has only one scrawny chicken left. He puts it on the scale.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Three pounds," he says.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "That's too scrawny; don't you have something bigger?" Mrs. Fleshman asks.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ He pretends to rummage around, and then puts the same chicken back on the scale, while pressing with his thumb.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Three and a half pounds," he says.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "That looks better," says Mrs. Fleshman. "I'll take them both."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: SportsDumb Jock¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there. "Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "You're not there, sir," he reported.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: BraggersA Sure Bet¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DeathDo Something Nice For Dad¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: GodAre You God¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ One cold evening during the holiday season, a little boy about six or seven was standing out in front of a ore window. The little child had no shoes on and his clothes were mere rags.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A young woman passing by saw the little boy and could read the longing in his pale blue eyes. She took the child by the hand and led him into the store. There she bought him new shoes and a complete suit of warm clothing.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ They came back outside into the street and the woman said to the child, "Now you can go home and have a very happy holiday."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The little boy looked up at her and asked, "are you God, Ma'am?" She smiled down at him and replied, "No son, I'm just one of His children."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The little boy then said, "I knew you had to be some relation."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: KidsA Nickle or a Dime¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. The boys say he is two bricks short of a load, or couple fries short of a happy meal.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Junior said, "No sir, you see if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: SportsPraying and Playing¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eys, and bows down in prayer.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

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