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ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

Clean Christian joke of the day.
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Today's category: GodAre You God� � � � � � One cold evening during the holiday season, a little boy about six or seven was standing out in front of a ore window. The little child had no shoes on and his clothes were mere rags.� � � � � � A young woman passing by saw the little boy and could read the longing in his pale blue eyes. She took the child by the hand and led him into the store. There she bought him new shoes and a complete suit of warm clothing.� � � � � � They came back outside into the street and the woman said to the child, "Now you can go home and have a very happy holiday."� � � � � � The little boy looked up at her and asked, "are you God, Ma'am?" She smiled down at him and replied, "No son, I'm just one of His children."� � � � � � The little boy then said, "I knew you had to be some relation."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: KidsA Nickle or a Dime� � � � � � There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. The boys say he is two bricks short of a load, or couple fries short of a happy meal.� � � � � � To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.� � � � � � One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"� � � � � � Junior said, "No sir, you see if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: SportsPraying and Playing� � � � � � A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eys, and bows down in prayer.� � � � � � His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."� � � � � � The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PilotsFirst Class Seat� � � � � � A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."� � � � � � The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.� � � � � � The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: BraggersThe Sahara� � � � � � A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. � � � � � � The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man. � � � � � � "Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down." � � � � � � The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. � � � � � � "I cut the tree down," said the man. The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?" � � � � � � "In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man. � � � � � � "You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack. � � � � � � The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: GodGod is Watching� � � � � � Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Christian school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. Someone had written a note and placed it next to the apples. It read, "Take only one, God is watching."� � � � � � Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.� � � � � � One little boy wrote his own note and snuck it next to the cookies, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PrayerThe Combination� � � � � � The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it.� � � � � � Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial.� � � � � � After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment.� � � � � � Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently.� � � � � � Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock.� � � � � � The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said.� � � � � � "It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PastorsLetters to the Pastor� � � � � � Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago� � � � � � Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.� � � � � � Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix� � � � � � Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert Anderson, age 11� � � � � � Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven� � � � � � Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany� � � � � � Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma� � � � � � Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota� � � � � � Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City� � � � � � Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven someday but later than sooner. Love, Ellen. Age 9, Athens� � � � � � Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh� � � � � � Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena� � � � � � Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville� � � � � � Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron� � � � � � Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, LewistonView hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: FathersThe Truth About Dad� � � � � � One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"� � � � � � The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep with Daddy."� � � � � � A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MiscellaneousKosher Pork� � � � � � Rabbi Ezra, his wife, and their children, were really curious as to why Gentiles were so fond of eating pork. They decided to try some, but there was nowhere in town they could go and not be seen.� � � � � � One weekend, the Rabbi and his family traveled to a distant town, went into a restaurant, and ordered roast pork.� � � � � � While they were waiting to be served, a member of Rabbi Ezra's Synagogue walks in. He sees the Rabbi and his family. The member asks if he could join them for dinner. The Rabbi has no choice but to agree.� � � � � � A while later, the waiter returns with the Rabbi's meal. He takes the cover off the large platter, and there is a whole roast pig, with an apple in its mouth. The Synagogue member is more than a little shocked.� � � � � � "What a fancy place," explains the Rabbi quickly. "Just look at how they serve the apple I ordered."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PilotsSkydiving Lesson� � � � � � All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.� � � � � � One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"� � � � � � Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Old FolksBirth Control Pills� � � � � � Mrs. Smith, an elderly woman, went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."� � � � � � Quite surprised, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"� � � � � � The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."� � � � � � The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"� � � � � � The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: LawyersHere's An Orange� � � � � � The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"� � � � � � The student replied, "Here's an orange."� � � � � � The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"� � � � � � The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: RednecksThe Pig� � � � � � This redneck was parked behind a trailer load of pigs near the zoo in Washington, DC. As the truck drove away--one of the pigs fell out. He walked over and picked the pig up and placed it in the front seat of his truck.� � � � � � He was sitting there looking puzzled when a policeman walked up and asked what was going on. He told the story and the policeman recommended he take the pig to the zoo.� � � � � � The redneck was sitting in the same spot the next day with the pig sitting up in the front seat. The cop said "didn't I ask you to take this pig to the zoo?"� � � � � � The redneck replied "I did and he liked it so well--today I'm taking him to the movies!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: CrimeNew Yorkers in Heaven� � � � � � One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang. walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, "God, there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?".� � � � � � God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell."� � � � � � St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!"� � � � � � "Who, the New Yorkers?".� � � � � � "No, the Pearly Gates."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: HypocritesWhat Would You Have Done� � � � � � The two thousand member church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.� � � � � � One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.� � � � � � The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"� � � � � � Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.� � � � � � After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.� � � � � � The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: SportsFore-lorn� � � � � � A man loved to play golf. It was the one activity he looked forward to every week. One Saturday, he returned home from a scheduled three-some much earlier than his wife expected. She asked him why he was home so early.� � � � � � "Do you want to play golf with someone who whines about every shot, complains about everything on the course, and makes noises when you're trying to make an important shot?", he asked.� � � � � � "No, I don't," answered his wife.� � � � � � "Neither did they!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: QuestionsQuestions to Ponder 5� � � � � � Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?� � � � � � Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?� � � � � � Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.� � � � � � How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?� � � � � � How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?� � � � � � Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?� � � � � � Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?� � � � � � Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?� � � � � � Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?� � � � � � Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?� � � � � � What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?� � � � � � Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?� � � � � � Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?� � � � � � Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?� � � � � � If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?� � � � � � Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?� � � � � � Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?� � � � � � War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DeathLast Wishes� � � � � � Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Rachel, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful, considerate, and wonderful man her late husband had been.� � � � � � "My Sidney thought of everything", she told them. "Just before he died, he called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Rachel', he told me. 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am gone, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Knowing you'll do this, I can rest in peace'."� � � � � � "What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.� � � � � � "The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket'. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.� � � � � � "The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral'. I made Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods."� � � � � � "And the third envelope?" asked her friends.� � � � � � "The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'.� � � � � � At that point, Rachel held up her hand and pointed to her ring finger, on which was a gorgeous ten carat diamond ring.� � � � � � "So?", said Rachel, "You like my stone?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PastorsPastors' Wives� � � � � � Two Pastors wives were visiting and sewing their husbands pants. One wife said: My husband is just beside himself, he does not know what to do anymore and he is so tired and depressed he said he is ready to just give up and resign.� � � � � � The other wife said: I am sorry to hear that because my husband has never been happier. Our membership is growing and we are out of our financial burden, we have such a large and loving congregation. Life could not be any better than it is right now.� � � � � � One woman was mending the seat of her husbands pants, the other was mending the knees.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PrayerAtheist Prayer-line� � � � � � They have Dial-a-Prayer for atheists now.� � � � � � You call up and it rings and rings but nobody answers.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MarriagePrivate Grief� � � � � � A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"� � � � � � The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"� � � � � � The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: ChurchMeeting of the Board� � � � � � There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service," announced the pastor.� � � � � � After the close of the service, the Church Board gathered at the back of the auditorium for the announced meeting. But there was a stranger in their midst -- a visitor who had never attended their church before.� � � � � � "My friend," said the pastor, "Didn't you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?"� � � � � � "Yes," said the visitor, "and after today's sermon, I suppose I'm just about as bored as anyone else who came to this meeting."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: SchoolPhilosophy Class� � � � � � A college student was in a philosophy class, where there was a class discussion about whether or not God exists, The professor had the following logic:� � � � � � "Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke.� � � � � � "Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.� � � � � � "Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."� � � � � � The student did not like the sound of this at all, and asked for permission to speak. The professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:� � � � � � "Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.� � � � � � "Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Absolute silence.� � � � � � "Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?" When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"� � � � � � The student received an "A" in the class.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: HusbandsThe Fiance� � � � � � A young woman brought her fiance home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man.� � � � � � The father invited the fiancee to his study for a talk. "So what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.� � � � � � "I am a Biblical scholar," he replies.� � � � � � "A Biblical scholar. Hmmm," the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"� � � � � � "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."� � � � � � "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.� � � � � � "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."� � � � � � "And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"� � � � � � "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.� � � � � � The conversation proceeded like this, and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insists that God will provide.� � � � � � Later, the mother asked, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answered, "He has no job and no plans, and he thinks I'm God."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

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