Home » Diversions »

ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

Clean Christian joke of the day.
News in this category: 30
Bookmark and share this category:  

News

Today's category: GodWoops A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding by. She arrives in front of God and complains, "I thought you said I had another 30 years." God replies, "I didn't recognize you."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MilitaryMilitary Laws - Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you. - No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy. - Friendly fire ain't. - The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map. - The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already has it mined. - The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at. - Incoming fire has the right of way. - If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush. - If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap. - The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. - Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: CrimeFrom the Mouth of Babes Little Johnny's kindergarden class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly." Little Johnny asked, "So, why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: HypocritesThe Millionaire At a church meeting a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Christian faith. "I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I remember that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God's work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today." He finished and there was an awed silence at his testimony as he moved toward his seat. As he sat down a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him: "I dare you to do it again."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: CreationWhy God Created Animals A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?" Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me." And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well." And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy. And the Cat didn't give a hoot one way or the other.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DeathThe Evil BrotheThe Evil Bro¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ In a small town, there were two brothers who, over the course of many years, cheated, swindled, robbed and generally stole from everyone that they ever did business with.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The entire town and surrounding community reviled and despised these two brothers as everyone was aware of just how disreputable and dishonest they were.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ One day, one of the brothers mysteriously died.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Although they had never attended church, the one remaining brother went to the local pastor and offered vast sums of money if he would come to the funeral and say the appropriate words, AND, a large bonus, but ONLY if he would - during the course of the eulogy -refer to his brother as "a Saint."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The pastor was troubled by the request, however, it was a very poor church and the church desperately needed repairs.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The Parishioners had heard about the pastor's dilemma and were curious as to what he would do.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The Funeral began, the church was packed, and the pastor started with the usual prayers and followed the rites and traditions as required by the churches teachings. In closing, after referring to the man in the box, he paused and turned to face the remaining brother.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ He began, "As you all know, the departed was an awful individual who robbed, cheated, swindled and stole from everyone he ever did business with.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ However, compared to his Brother, he was - "a Saint!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DrunksThe Drunk at Church¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The pastor has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DeathA Dying Wish¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. led down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did you do that?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Those are for the funeral."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: CrimeWhat's in the Bags¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his shoulders. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The fellow says, "Sand!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The guard wants to examine them. The fellow gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground, opens them up, and the guard inspects... only to find sand. The fellow packs the sand, places the bags on his shoulders, and pedals the bike across the border.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated...¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "What have you there?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Sand"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "We want to examine."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Same results... nothing but sand and the fellow is on his way again.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Every two weeks for six months the inspections continue. Finally, one week the fellow didn't show up. However, the guard sees him downtown and says to the fellow, "Buddy, you had us crazy. We sort of knew you were smuggling something. I won't say anything what were you smuggling?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The fellow says, "Bicycles."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: ChristmasDesparate Measures¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Johnny, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead." After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Dear Jesus,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Your Friend,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Little Johnny¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Now Little Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (Brat).¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ So, he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Dear Jesus,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Yours Truly,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Little Johnny¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Well, Little Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Dear Jesus,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a new bicycle?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Signed,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Little Johnny¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Well, Little Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother was really wanting. He crumpled up the letter and threw it in the trash can and went running outside.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ He aimlessly wandered about; depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considering his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Little Johnny went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Little Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home hid it under his bed and wrote this letter.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Jesus,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ I've broken most of the Ten Commandments; shot spit wads in school, tore up my sister's Barbie doll and lots more. I'm desperate. I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Signed,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ You know whoView hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MilitaryVery Brave Men¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country." "Well, my men are very brave, too."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I'd like to see that."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: AnimalsA Fish Tale¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A big-time negotiator was out fishing one day when he caught a strange looking fish. He reeled the fish in, unhooked it, and threw it on the ground next to him. The fish started writhing in agony and, to the negotiator's surprise, said, "Please throw me back into the lake and I'll grant you three wishes."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Any three wishes, huh?" the negotiator mused as visions of expensive fast cars and beautiful women paraded through his head.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Fish," he finally exclaimed, "Give me five wishes and I'll throw you back."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Sorry," the fish answered while struggling for breath, "only three wishes."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The negotiator's pride was at stake and after giving the matter some thought he announced, "What do you take me for? A sucker? I'll settle for four wishes."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Only three," the fish murmured weakly.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Fuming, the man debated the pros and cons of accepting the three wishes or continuing to bargain for that one extra wish. Finally, the negotiator decided it wasn't worth looking a gift fish in the mouth and said "All right fish, you win, three wishes."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Unfortunately, by then the fish was dead.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PrayerSo Far, So Good¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over-indulgent. I'm really glad about that.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Thank you.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ In Jesus name. AmenView hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Old FolksChocolate Peanuts¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Mrs. Jones had been a staple of her local congregation for many years and that is why her absence was noticed lately. The pastor decided to drop by her house to check up on her after the Sunday service. He knocked on her door and being that she's nearly 85 it took her a bit to get to the door.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Hello, who is it?" she asked.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "It's Pastor Smith", he answered.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "OH Hi-Come in, Come in, how's the ministry doing?" She said.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Very well, I just wanted to make sure your prayer needs are being met."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Oh honey, I haven't felt well lately but I'm getting better"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Just then the phone rang and she excused herself to get it. The pastor sat near a table with an old reader's digest and a bowl of peanuts. After 15 minutes, then 20, he heard his stomach growl and began to get restless. He started in on the bowl of peanuts and began reading. After 45 minutes, he suddenly realized that he had eaten all of the peanuts.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Right then Mrs. Jones returned and said, "Oh I sure am sorry, that was my sister from Pittsburgh. She only calls once per month so when she does we have to catch up on everything." The pastor feeling a little embarrassed said "I must also apologize, for while you were gone I got hungry and ate all the peanuts in your little bowl there. Please, forgive me" he said.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Mrs. Jones replied, "Oh that's ok, without my teeth, all I can do is just suck the chocolate off of them!" she says.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DeathScattered Ashes¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She prepared her will and made her final arraignments. As part of these arraignments she met with her pastor to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted, etc.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ She told her pastor she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomindales.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Bloomindales!" the pastor said. "Why Bloomindales?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "That way, I know my daughters will visit me twice a week."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: HusbandsHusband Speak¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means....¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "It's a guy thing." Really means....¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Can I help with dinner?" Really means....¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Why isn't it already on the table?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really mean....¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Good idea." Really means....¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Have you lost weight?" Really means....¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "My wife doesn't understand me." Really means....¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "It would take too long to explain." Really means....¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I have no idea how it works."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means....¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "The batteries in the remote are dead."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I got a lot done." Really means....¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "We're going to be late." Really means....¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "You cook just like my mother used to." Really means....¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means....¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "That's interesting, dear." Really means....¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Are you still talking?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means....¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I forgot our anniversary again."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "You expect too much of me." Really means....¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "You want me to stay awake."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "It's a really good movie." Really means....¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "It's got guns, knives, fast cars."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "That's women's work." Really means....¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MothersYou're a Mom When¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ You know you're a mom when you're up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, Not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, rollerblading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet ... you still managed to gain 10 pounds.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: FaithA Very Faithful Woman¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: FarmersAll Booked Up¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non- antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable for the farmer and his new bride.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways...¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MilitaryThe Wild Kid¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?" ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: LawyersYou Can't Take It With You¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A dying man gathered his lawyer, doctor and clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. "I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MilitaryYou Need A Sticker¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The general said, "Drive on!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DrunksA Long Night¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A drunk phoned the local police department to report that thieves had been in his car. "They have stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Never mind," the drunk said with a hiccup. "I got in the back seat by mistake."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: BlondesOne-Liners 1¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: How do you confuse a blonde?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: You don't. They're born that way!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: Why did the blonde stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: Because it said "concentrate"!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: Very Gifted!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: How can you tell a blonde has been using your computer?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: There is white-out all over the computer screen!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: Why don't blondes have elavator jobs?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: They don't know the route!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: How do blonde braincells die?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: Alone!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: Blow in her ear!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: How do you really confuse a blonde?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: Toes go in first!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: Trying to hold on to a thought!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: Third Grade!View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: FaithOut Of Gas¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A nun who works for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a station just down the street. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The attendant regretfully told her that the only can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men walked by. One of them turned to the other and said: "Now that is what I call faith!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

FamilyNet Top Sites Top Independent Baptist Sites KJV-1611 Authorized Version Topsites The Fundamental Top 500 The Baptist Top 1000 The Best Baptist Web Sites at Baptist411.com

Powered by Ekklesia-Online

Locations of visitors to this page free counters