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ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

Clean Christian joke of the day.
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Today's category: MothersName Those Twins┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Denise."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Denephew. "View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Sunday SchoolDust to Dust┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A little boy had just got home from Sunday School and mom was cooking lunch. "Mommy, is it true that before you're born you're just dust and after you die you go back to being dust?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "That's right son, why?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Well that's just what they said at church today."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Run up stairs and wash your hands son, lunch will be ready in a few minutes."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ About 10 minutes went by and she called out for him to come down. "I'll be there in a minute." As they were about to sit down at the table, the little boy asked again about being dust before being born and after you die. Once again mother said yes son.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The little boy looked at her and said, then you better get up to my room pretty quick, because something under my bed is either coming or going!!View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: TechnologyMaxims of the Internet Age┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 1. Home is where you hang your @┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 5. Great groups from little icons grow.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 7. C: is the root of all directories.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 9. The modem is the message.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 10. Too many clicks spoil the browse..┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 11. The geek shall inherit the earth.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 12. A chat has nine lives.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 13. Don't byte off more than you can view.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 14. Fax is stranger than fiction.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 15. What boots up must come down.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 16. Windows will never cease.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 17. Virtual reality is its own reward.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 18. Modulation in all things.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 19. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 20. There's no place like http://www.home.com┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 21. Know what to expect before you connect.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 22. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 23. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: LoveChristian Pick-Up Lines┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 1. Nice bible"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 2. "I would like to pray with you"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 3. "You know Jesus? Me too!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 4. "God told me to come talk to you"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 5. "I know a church where we could go and talk"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 6. "How about a hug, sister?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 7. "Do you need help carrying your Bible? It looks heavy."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 8. "Christians don't shake hands, Christians gotta hug!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 9. "Oh, you're cold? Maybe we should read Ecclesiastes 4:11"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 10. "Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 11. "What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 12. "I am here for you."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 13. "The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry," So...how about dinner?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 14. "You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 15. "You want to come over and watch "The 10 Commandments" tonight?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 16. "Is it a sin that you stole my heart?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 17. "Would you happen to know a Christian woman that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 18. "Nice bracelet. 'What would Jesus date? Uh, I mean *do*'"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 19. "Do you believe in Divine appointment?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 20. "Have you ever tried praying at a drive in before?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 21. "Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 22. "My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really nice person. I think you know him. Jesus, yeah that's his name."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 23. "You know, they say that you have never really dated, until you have dated a Christian."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 24. "Yeah, I predicted David over Goliath."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 25. "What? Friends listen to Amazing Grace by candle light."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 26. "What do you think Paul meant when he said, 'Greet everyone with a holy kiss'?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 27. "You have the body of Amy Grant and the soul of Mother Teresa."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 28. "You know, I'm really into relationship evangelism."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 29. "I'm pretty flexible - I don't think a woman should be submissive on the first date."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 30. "Before tonight, I never believed in predestination..."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 31. "Just looking at you makes me feel all ecumenical."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 32. "I hear there's going to be a love offering tonight."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: AnimalsGoodbye Ugly Suit┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "That's the one!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suitwe've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: TechnologySign Your Card┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ So I signed the credit card in front of her.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ As luck would have it, they matched!View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: LawyersOne Liners┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ What do lawyers use for birth control?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - Their personalities.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - A tick falls off of you when you die.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - Not enough sand.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - There are skid marks in front of the skunk.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - A Doberman.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ What do lawyers and sperm have in common?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Lawyer's creed:┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - A man is innocent until proven broke.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - Lipstick.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - Skeet.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - Chelsea Clinton┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - You shoot the lawyer. Twice.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A lawyer was walking down the street and saw an auto accident. He rushed over, started handing out business cards, and said, "I saw the whole thing. I'll take either side."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: HusbandsPrognosis Not Good┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 1. "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 2. "At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 3. "For dinner, fix an especially nice meal and don't burden him with household chores."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 4. "Satisfy his every whim."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ She replied "You're going to die."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DeathFinal Eulogy┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket, friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I'd like to hear them say...... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Men vs. WomenWomen Men Comparison┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ WOMEN:┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - Women come in all sizes, in all colours and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ MEN:┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and sometimes killing spiders.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PrayerA Matter of Perspective┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas, " he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: WivesThe Best Price┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A man and wife rushed into a dentist's office. The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or numbing cream or anything because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "The wife turns to her husband and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Sunday SchoolFireman's Dog┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A Sunday School helper was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog's duties.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "No," said another, "he's just for good luck."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: HypocritesThou Shalt Not Lie┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: BlondesBlonde Jockey┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Stan, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: GodMemo From God┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ I am God. Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help. If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. It will be addressed in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ If you find yourself stuck in traffic; Don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of work for years.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the man in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed his children.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; Think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse. You could be them!!!!View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MiscellaneousThe New Catholic┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ In North Ireland a Protestant man married a Catholic woman. After their marriage he decided to covert to the Catholic church. So he went to the preist and took instructions and was later baptized Catholic.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ He had one problem however. He couldn't get it into his skull that he was a Catholic man, and no longer a Protestant. This became such a problem that he returned to the priest and asked for some advice. The priest told him that if he was to repeat the phrase "I'm a Catholic, not a Protestant" enough times the idea might penetrate his thick skull. ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The man left mumbling to himself, "I'm a Catholic, not a Protestant. I'm a Catholic, not a Protestant." The next Friday the priest decided to visit the newlyweds. He knocked on the door and was greeted by the wife. When he stepped in, he smelled something that should not be in a Catholic's home on a Friday. He asked the wife where her husband was, and she replied that he was in the kitchen.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The priest walked into the kitchen and saw the man pouring thick brown gravy on a thick hunk of roast beef. Agast, the priest was about to explode when he heard the man mumble,┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "You're a trout, not a cow. You're a trout, not a cow."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PilotsBeating The Odds┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country. The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Again he went through his tables.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Men vs. Women10 Reasons God Created Eve┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because He knew men would never ask for directions.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote because men don't want to see what is on TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on TV.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when the seat wore out and therefore would need Eve to get one for him.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appt for himself.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 5. God knew that if the world was to be populated there would have to someone to bear children because men would never be able to handle it.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 4. As Keeper of the Garden Adam would never remember where he put his tools.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 3. The Scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone", he only ends up getting himself in trouble.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ And the NUMBER ONE reason...┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 1. When God finished the creation of Adam he stepped back, scratched his head and said, "I can do better than that."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: SchoolPunctuation┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: AnimalsThe Swearing Parrot┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ One day an elderly pastor confides in his parishioners that he's feeling a bit lonely and depressed. So one of the parishioners suggests to the pastor that he buy a pet. Thinking this a grand idea, the pastor hurries into town and after much deliberation, buys a parrot.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Unfortunately not five minutes after arriving home, the parrot starts hurling a string of expletives at the pastor.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ After about an hour it gets to be too much, so the pastor walks up to the parrot, slaps him on the beak, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the parrot madder and he starts swearing at the pastor in even more colorful language.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Finally the pastor has had it and says, "All right, that's it. Grabbing a blanket, the pastor throws it over the parrot's cage and screams, "Now, SHUT UP!" Well, this really irritates the parrot and he starts clawing and scratching at the bars of his cage. Finally the pastor removes the blanket. Immediately the parrot starts right in on the pastor again.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ By this time, the pastor is so infuriated that he grabs the parrot by the throat and throws him into the freezer. Well, the parrot starts swearing and thrashing about so loudly that the pastor is considering killing the bird. Just as he's thinking this, it gets very...very quiet.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ At first the pastor just stares at the refrigerator, but then he starts to think that the parrot might be seriously injured. He becomes so worried that he runs over to the refrigerator and throws open the freezer door.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The parrot climbs out of the freezer, flaps the ice off his wings, and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I've caused you father. In the future, I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The pastor is astounded. He can't believe the sudden transformation that has come over the parrot. Finally the parrot turns to the pastor and says, "Um....by the way, what did the chicken do?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: BibleRemarkable Parrot┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The third said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Milton," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Gerald," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "But Donald," she said, "the little chicken you sent was delicious!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: QuestionsSilly Questions┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A: They all have phones.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Q: How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A: She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A: A stick.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A: Nacho Cheese.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A: Subordinate Clauses.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Q: What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A: Quatro sinko.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A: Spoiled milk.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A: Frostbite.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Q: What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A: A pool table.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A: Sanka.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A: A nervous wreck.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A: They're trying to get away from the noise.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A: Because they have big fingers.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: LawyersA Forester and a Lawyer┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: SermonsRest in Peace┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside him and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the men and women who have died in the service."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he finally managed to ask, "Which one, the 9:00 or 10:30 service?View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

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