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ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

Clean Christian joke of the day.
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Today's category: LoveTrue Love┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ If you love something, set it free.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ If it just sits in your living room,┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ messes up your stuff,┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ eats your food,┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ uses your telephone,┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ takes your money,┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place,┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ you either married it or gave birth to it!View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PoliticsHelp the United States┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Go to the theatre."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Old FolksGrandma is Like God┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ You're both old," he replied.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: QuestionsQuestions and Answers┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Q: Why do they say 'Amen' at the end of a prayer instead of 'Awomen'?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A: The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Q: Why didn't Noah go fishing?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A: He only had two worms!┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Q: When was the longest day in the Bible?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A: The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Q: Why did God create man before woman?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A: He didn't want any advice.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A: A roamin' Catholic!┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Doctor: Your recovery was a miracle!┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Patient: PRAISE GOD. Now I don't have to pay you!┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A: Even then men wouldn't ask for directions!View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: WivesFind a Wife Biblically┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. -- Deuterononmy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Find a prostitute and marry her. -- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. -- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. -- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. -- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. -- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. -- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. -- David (1Samuel 18:27)┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.) -- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. -- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." -- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). -- David (2 Samuel 11)┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law). -- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. -- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A wife?...NOT!!! -- Paul (1Corinthians 7:32-35)View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Old FolksThat's Once┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, and on this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Well," explained the husband, "it all goes back to our honeymoon. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly spoke: 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and shot the mule dead."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once.'"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: ChurchA Sure Cure┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!!!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: QuestionsLight Bulb Jokes 3┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 1. How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - Choose any number you like, but first you must make sure the light bulb WANTS to change.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 2. How many Computer Programmers does it take to change a light bulb?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - None, that's a hardware problem.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 3. How many Telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - One, but he has to do it while you're eating dinner.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 4. How many Politicians does it take to change a light bulb?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - First it takes a probe to find out why the bulb burned out, a committee to study the cost of replacement, a liberal to make sure the bulb's civil rights aren't infringed, a conservative to sell the used bulbs to our enemies, and a president to explain to the tax payers why change is good.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 5. How many Doctors does it take to change a light bulb?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - Well, it depends. How much insurance does the light bulb have?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 6. How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - FIFTEEN! YOU GOTTA PROBLEM WITH THAT?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 7. How many Economists does it take to change a light bulb?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - None, they're waiting for the unseen hand of the market to correct the lighting disequilibrium.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 8. How many Microsoft Engineers does it take to change a light bulb?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - None, they just redefine darkness as the new standard.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 9. How many Lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - Whereas the party of the first part, hereinafter referred to as the "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, hereinafter referred to as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to ...(on and on, ad infinitum, ad nauseum)View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: GodWhere's God┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Two little boys were best friends at church, but they both had a reputation for getting into trouble. One Sunday, one of the boys was home sick, but the other boy, not wanting to let his friend down, was twice as bad as normal.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ As he was running through the sanctuary after church, the pastor grabbed him and angrily said, "Where's God?!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The little boy was frightened and didn't know what to say.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The pastor continued, "I want you to go home and think about it and I don't want you to come back until you can tell me where God is."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The boy went home and called his sick friend on the telephone. "Guess what," he said. "They've lost God, and they're trying to blame that one on us, too."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: AnimalsLife as a Female Bear┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ If you're a female bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ I wanna be a bear.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: BlondesThe Ventriloquist┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blond jokes, when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes!┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person ... because you and our kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large ... all in the name of humor."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blond stops him. "You stay out of this. Mister, I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: CopsCatch The Rabbit┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: WivesBad Upgrade┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Dear Technical Support,┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Fishingweekend 10.3 and Bowlingbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ I can not seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Jonathan Powell┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ To: Mr. Powell┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES and ENTERTAINMENT" program.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once it is installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire system regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The best course of action will be to push apologize button, then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Wife 1.0 is a great program, but is very high maintenance.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Tech SupportView hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PoliticsImprovements┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The Old Cherokee Chief sat in his humble reservation hut smoking his ceremonial pipe and eyeing the two visiting U.S. Government officials who had been sent to interview his opinion of the white man's progress.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Chief", one offical began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products -- you have seen all his progress and his problems."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The Chief nodded "Yes".┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The official continued, "Considering recent events, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied:┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "When white found this land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty deer, turkey and beaver. Women did most of the cooking and crop work. Medicine man free to help sick. Indian men hunted and fished all the time. We never had cheating hushands and wives--we kill cheaters."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The Chief smiled and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Men vs. WomenHappy To Be A Guy┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 1) Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 2) You know stuff about tanks.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 3) A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 4) You can open all your own jars.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 5) Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 6) You can go to the bathroom without a support group.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 7) You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 8) You can leave the motel bed unmade.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 9) You can kill your own food.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 10) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 11) Wedding plans take care of themselves.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 12) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 13) Your underwear is 10$ for a three-pack.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 14) If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 15) Everything on your face stays its original color.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 16) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 17) Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 18) You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 19) Car mechanics tell you the truth.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 20) You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 21) Same work... more pay.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 22) Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 23) Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental ľ 75 bucks.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 24) You don't mooch off other's desserts.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 25) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 26) If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 27) You pals can be trusted never to trap you with. "So, notice anything different?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 28) You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 29) You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 30) You almost never have strap problems in public.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 31) You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 32) The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 33) You don't have to shave below your neck.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 34) At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 35) Your belly usually hides your big hips.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 36) One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 37) You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 38) You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 39) Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: TechnologyGates Gets Punished┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "So, how is everything going?" God asked.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "That was the demo," replied God.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Old FolksPrayer of Senility┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ For those of us who are getting a little older: ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Prayer for Senility┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ God grant me the Senility┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ to forget the people┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ never liked anyway,┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ the good fortune┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ to run into the ones I do,┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ and the eyesight┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ to tell the difference...View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Old FolksLong Happy Life┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,"she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "That's amazing,"the woman said. "How old are you?'┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Twenty-six," he said.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Sunday SchoolSunday Funnies┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late... But please don't shove me either!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: CrimeEndangered Species┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ One beautiful autumn day, a Park Ranger discovered a man sitting in the woods chewing away on a dead Bald Eagle. "Hey mister, the Bald Eagle is a protected species, and killing one is punishable offence", said the Park Ranger.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The man was swiftly arrested, and ushered before the judge.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ In court, he pleaded innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "I was so hungry" complained the defensive camper, "the Bald Eagle was the only food I could find!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ To everyone's amazement, the judge ruled in his favor.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. But I'd like to know: What did it taste like?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a Whooping Crane and a Spotted Owl."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: ChurchYou Never Hear in Church┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Hey! It's MY turn to sit on the front pew!┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went over time 25 minutes.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ I've decided to give our church the $500.00 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Forget the denominational minimum salary: let's pay our pastor so s/he can live like we do.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Since we're all here, let's start the worship service early!┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DeathGood Old Fred┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ He opened the note, and read, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Men vs. WomenToo Much Talk┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men. He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, whereas women use 20,000 words per day.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Her husband looked stunned. He said "What?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: LoveDear John...┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Dear John,┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ I was a fool - nobody can take your place. I love you.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ All my love,┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Men vs. WomenBrain Transplant┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news" he said as he surveyed the worried faces.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ It's an experimental procedure, quite risky, and you'll have to pay for the brain yourselves."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At length, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The doctor quickly responded, "A female brain goes for $20,000. A male brain costs $50,000."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why does the male brain cost so much more?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then said to the entire group, ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "It's a standard pricing procedure. We mark the female brains down because they're used."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

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