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ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

Clean Christian joke of the day.
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Today's category: MarriageThe Painting┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: RednecksThings A Redneck Won't Say┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 1. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 2. "Duct tape won't fix that."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 3. "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 4. "We don't keep firearms in this house."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 5. "You can't feed that to the dog."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 6. "I thought Graceland was tacky."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 7. "No kids in the back of the pickup...it's not safe."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 8. "Professional wrasslin's fake."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 9. "Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 10. "We're vegetarians."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 11. "Do you think my hair is too big?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 12. "I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 13. "Honey, these bonsai trees need watering."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 14. "I don't understand the appeal of NASCAR."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 15. "Give me the small bag of pork rinds."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 16. "Deer heads detract from the decor."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 17. "Spitting is such a nasty habit."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 18. "I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 19. "Trim the fat off that steak."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 20. "Cappuccino tastes better than espresso."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 21. "The tires on that truck are too big."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 22. "I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 23. "I've got it all on a floppy disk."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 24. "Unsweetened tea tastes better."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 25. "Would you like your fish poached or broiled?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 26. "My fiance is registered at Tiffany's."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 27. "I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 28. "She's too old to be wearing that bikini."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 29. "Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 30. "Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 31. "I don't have a favorite college football team."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 32. "Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 33. "I believe you cooked those green beans too long."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 34. "Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 35. "Elvis who?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 36. "Checkmate."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: LoveChristian Pick-Up Lines┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 1. Nice bible"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 2. "I would like to pray with you"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 3. "You know Jesus? Me too!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 4. "God told me to come talk to you"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 5. "I know a church where we could go and talk"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 6. "How about a hug, sister?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 7. "Do you need help carrying your Bible? It looks heavy."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 8. "Christians don't shake hands, Christians gotta hug!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 9. "Oh, you're cold? Maybe we should read Ecclesiastes 4:11"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 10. "Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 11. "What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 12. "I am here for you."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 13. "The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry," So...how about dinner?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 14. "You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 15. "You want to come over and watch "The 10 Commandments" tonight?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 16. "Is it a sin that you stole my heart?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 17. "Would you happen to know a Christian woman that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 18. "Nice bracelet. 'What would Jesus date? Uh, I mean *do*'"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 19. "Do you believe in Divine appointment?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 20. "Have you ever tried praying at a drive in before?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 21. "Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 22. "My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really nice person. I think you know him. Jesus, yeah that's his name."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 23. "You know, they say that you have never really dated, until you have dated a Christian."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 24. "Yeah, I predicted David over Goliath."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 25. "What? Friends listen to Amazing Grace by candle light."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 26. "What do you think Paul meant when he said, 'Greet everyone with a holy kiss'?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 27. "You have the body of Amy Grant and the soul of Mother Teresa."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 28. "You know, I'm really into relationship evangelism."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 29. "I'm pretty flexible - I don't think a woman should be submissive on the first date."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 30. "Before tonight, I never believed in predestination..."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 31. "Just looking at you makes me feel all ecumenical."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 32. "I hear there's going to be a love offering tonight."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PastorsThe Letter┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope, he found written on it only one word: "FOOL."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: ScienceTest Tubes┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ We have two test tubes here," said the professor of IVF studies from Monash University. "They contain two carefully synthesised ingredients that we can now use to create human life. Solution A is a genitically engineered copy of all the ingredients in the female ovum, while Solution B replicates the active ingredients in male spermatozoa.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "If I mix them in this aseptic glass container a new human life will be conceived. Now any questions?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Could you possibly give us a demonstration?" asked an awed member of the audience.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "I'm sorry, not tonight," said the professor, "Solution A has a headache."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: ChristmasIs There A Santa┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 1. Santa's Workload┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ There are two billion children in the world, but since Santa doesn't appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, and Budist children, that reduces his workload to 15% of the total, or 300 million. At an average rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 85.7 million homes. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different times zones and the rotation of the Earth, assuming he travels East to West. This works out to 767.9 visits per second. So for each household with good children, Santa has about 1/1,000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the presents, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, into the sleigh and move on to the next house."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 2. The Time/Distance Factor┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Assuming that these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the Earth, we're talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 3. Calculation of Estimated Speed┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, or 3,000 times the speed of sound.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 4. Santa's Payload┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a mdeium-size Lego set (about two pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as "heavy." On land, normal reindeer could pull no more than 300 pounds, and even granting that flying reindeer could pull 10 times the normal amount, Santa's going to need 214,200 reindeer to pull his sleigh. This increases the payload to 353,430 tons, or four times the weight of the "Queen Elizabeth."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Conclusion:┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A craft of 353,000 tons, traveling at 650 miles per second, creates enormous air resistance. This will heat up Mr. Claus and his sleigh like a spacecraft reentering Earth's atmosphere.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Translation:┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ If there is a Santa, he's toast.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: QuestionsQuestions to Ponder 3┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do bars have parking lots?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ If pro is the opposite of con, then is progress the opposite of congress?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ If it's Zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be Twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Why do scientists call it "re"search when looking for something new?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Why is it called a building when it is already built?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Why is hamburger called hamburger, when it is made out of beef not ham?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn't it be easier to just hire taller dancers?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Why is it when someone eats something that tastes bad they say "Aw, this tastes gross!" and turn to you and say "Try it!" Why would I want to try it, if they already told me what it tastes like?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ How do you know when invisible ink pens run out of ink?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ If you drop a chameleon in water, will it turn clear?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Why do they call it a Leap Year if you ADD another day rather than subtracting one?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Is it possible to be totally partial?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Church SignsChurch Signs 4┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 1) Satan subtracts and divides. God multiplies and multiplies ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 2) If you do not want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of the devil's orchard ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 3) May is God's apology for February ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 4) To belittle is to be little ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 5) A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on. ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 6) No God -- No Peace. Know God -- Know Peace. ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 7) A singing group called The Resurrection was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, The Resurrection is postponed.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 8) People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are. ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 9) God so loved the world that He did not send a committee.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 10) When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright. ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 11) Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: RednecksRights For Rednecks┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 1. You have the right to remain motionless, boy.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 2. Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to chase you down to the ends of the earth to devour your backside.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 3. You have the right to have your lawyer run with you. Should he refuse, a recent Law School graduate will be appointed by the court to jog along with you.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 4. If while running, you suddenly decide to end the race, beware that my K-9 may or may not understand your intentions, and may continue his pursuit of you in full stride whereupon catching you he will devour your backside.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 5. You may stop running at any time, at your own risk.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 6. Good luck. On your mark, get set.... GO!!!!!View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: CopsPolice Report┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number three of the accident reporting form, I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more and I trust that the following details are sufficient:┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh 135 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured scull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain. ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground - and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel, slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to move, and watching the barrel six stories above - I again lost my presence of mind.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ I let go of the rope!View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DrunksA Bad Day┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A little guy is sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink for about a half-hour. A big trouble making truck driver comes up to him, takes the drink from the guy, and drinks it all down.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ I got home only to find my wife was with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. When I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Church SignsNo Excuse Sunday┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ To make it possible for everyone to attend church this Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday":┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV late Saturday night.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to church."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can't go to church and cook dinner, too.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those that feel the church is always asking for money.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and cotton wool for those who think he's too loud!View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: SportsBaseball In Heaven┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Pat and Mike, both in their 90's, had played professional baseball together and, after they retired, had remained close friends. Pat suddenly fell deathly ill. Mike visited Pat on his deathbed. After they talked a while and it became obvious that Pat had only a few more minutes to live, Mike said, "Listen old friend. After you die, try and get a message back to me. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ With his dying breath, Pat whispers, "If God permits, I'll do my best to get you an answer."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A few days after Pat died, Mike is sleeping when he hears Pat's voice.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Pat says, "Mike, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is, yes, there IS baseball in heaven. The bad news is, you're scheduled to pitch the top half of tomorrow's double-header."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: BlondesName the Capital┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying. ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!" ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?" ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: StupidityDon't Think┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene, what happened?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "About 20 years, sir"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "It was, sir."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: GodThe Secret Burden┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A much loved-minister of God once carried a secret burden of long- past sin deep in his heart. He had committed the sin many years before, during his Bible school training. No one knew what he had done, but they did know he had repented. Even so, he had suffered years of remorse over the incident without any sense of God's forgiveness.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A woman in his church deeply loved God and claimed to have visions in which Jesus Christ spoke to her. The minister, skeptical of her claims, asked her, "The next time you speak to the Lord, would you please ask Him what sin your minister committed while he was in Bible school." The woman kindly agreed.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ When she came to the church a few days later the minister asked, "Did He visit you?" She said, "Yes."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "And did you ask Him what sin I committed?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Yes, I asked Him," she replied┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Well, what did He say?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "He said, 'I don't remember.'"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DeathMud Baths┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great! I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "No," Replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: HeavenShhhhhhhh!┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Denomination?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Denomination?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Lutheran."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A third man arrives at the gates. "Denomination?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Presbyterian."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different denominations, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ St. Peter tells him, "Well the Baptists are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: BibleThe Historical Flight┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "But who's the fourth person?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Oh, that's Pontius-the Pilot.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: LoveValentine's Day Dream┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "You'll know tonight." he said.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MothersThe Weigh Scale┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Two kids went into their parents bathroom and noticed the weigh scale in the corner. "Whatever you do," cautioned one youngster to the other, "Don't step on it!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Why not?" asked the sibling.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Because every time mom does, she lets out an awful scream!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MistakesWrong Detergent┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom and Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The grocer, trying not to be an "I-told-you-so", said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Oh? What was it then?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "I think it was the spin cycle!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MistakesDinner Date┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job." he said and handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank-you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PilotsThe Blind Skydiver┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: LawyersCigars For The Judge┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "But, I did send them."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Yes. That's how we won the case."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "I don't understand," said the lawyer.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but signed the plaintiff's name."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

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