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ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

Clean Christian joke of the day.
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Today's category: GodWoops¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding by. She arrives in front of God and complains, "I thought you said I had another 30 years."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ God replies, "I didn't recognize you."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MilitaryMilitary Laws¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Friendly fire ain't.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already has it mined.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Incoming fire has the right of way.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: CrimeFrom the Mouth of Babes¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Little Johnny's kindergarden class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men. ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly." ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Little Johnny asked, "So, why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: HypocritesThe Millionaire¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ At a church meeting a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Christian faith.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I remember that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God's work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ He finished and there was an awed silence at his testimony as he moved toward his seat. As he sat down a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him: "I dare you to do it again."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: CreationWhy God Created Animals¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?" Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ And God was pleased.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ And Adam was greatly improved.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ And Dog was happy.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ And the Cat didn't give a hoot one way or the other.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DrunksThe Drunk at Church¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The pastor has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DeathA Dying Wish¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. led down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did you do that?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Those are for the funeral."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: ChristmasDesparate Measures¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Johnny, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead." After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Dear Jesus,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Your Friend,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Little Johnny¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Now Little Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (Brat).¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ So, he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Dear Jesus,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Yours Truly,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Little Johnny¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Well, Little Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Dear Jesus,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a new bicycle?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Signed,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Little Johnny¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Well, Little Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother was really wanting. He crumpled up the letter and threw it in the trash can and went running outside.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ He aimlessly wandered about; depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considering his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Little Johnny went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Little Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home hid it under his bed and wrote this letter.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Jesus,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ I've broken most of the Ten Commandments; shot spit wads in school, tore up my sister's Barbie doll and lots more. I'm desperate. I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Signed,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ You know whoView hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MilitaryVery Brave Men¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country." "Well, my men are very brave, too."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I'd like to see that."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Church SignsChurch Signs 1¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 1) Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 2) Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 3) Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 4) An ad for a Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 5) When the restaurant next to the Church put out a big sign that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 6) Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 7) Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 8) Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 9) Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 10) If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: AnimalsA Fish Tale¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A big-time negotiator was out fishing one day when he caught a strange looking fish. He reeled the fish in, unhooked it, and threw it on the ground next to him. The fish started writhing in agony and, to the negotiator's surprise, said, "Please throw me back into the lake and I'll grant you three wishes."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Any three wishes, huh?" the negotiator mused as visions of expensive fast cars and beautiful women paraded through his head.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Fish," he finally exclaimed, "Give me five wishes and I'll throw you back."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Sorry," the fish answered while struggling for breath, "only three wishes."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The negotiator's pride was at stake and after giving the matter some thought he announced, "What do you take me for? A sucker? I'll settle for four wishes."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Only three," the fish murmured weakly.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Fuming, the man debated the pros and cons of accepting the three wishes or continuing to bargain for that one extra wish. Finally, the negotiator decided it wasn't worth looking a gift fish in the mouth and said "All right fish, you win, three wishes."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Unfortunately, by then the fish was dead.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PrayerSo Far, So Good¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over-indulgent. I'm really glad about that.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Thank you.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ In Jesus name. AmenView hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DeathScattered Ashes¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She prepared her will and made her final arraignments. As part of these arraignments she met with her pastor to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted, etc.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ She told her pastor she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomindales.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Bloomindales!" the pastor said. "Why Bloomindales?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "That way, I know my daughters will visit me twice a week."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: HusbandsHusband Speak¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means....¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "It's a guy thing." Really means....¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Can I help with dinner?" Really means....¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Why isn't it already on the table?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really mean....¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Good idea." Really means....¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Have you lost weight?" Really means....¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "My wife doesn't understand me." Really means....¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "It would take too long to explain." Really means....¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I have no idea how it works."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means....¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "The batteries in the remote are dead."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I got a lot done." Really means....¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "We're going to be late." Really means....¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "You cook just like my mother used to." Really means....¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means....¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "That's interesting, dear." Really means....¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Are you still talking?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means....¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I forgot our anniversary again."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "You expect too much of me." Really means....¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "You want me to stay awake."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "It's a really good movie." Really means....¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "It's got guns, knives, fast cars."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "That's women's work." Really means....¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: KidsTruths Children Learn¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 2) When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 6) Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 7) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 8) Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 9) Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 10) School lunches stick to the wall.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 11) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 12) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 13) The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: FaithA Very Faithful Woman¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: LawyersYou Can't Take It With You¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A dying man gathered his lawyer, doctor and clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. "I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: CreationThe Oldest Profession¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked, 'Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery, so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world.'¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The civil engineer interrupted and said, 'But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world.'¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled and said confidently, 'Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?'View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MilitaryYou Need A Sticker¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The general said, "Drive on!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: BlondesOne-Liners 1¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: How do you confuse a blonde?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: You don't. They're born that way!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: Why did the blonde stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: Because it said "concentrate"!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: Very Gifted!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: How can you tell a blonde has been using your computer?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: There is white-out all over the computer screen!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: Why don't blondes have elavator jobs?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: They don't know the route!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: How do blonde braincells die?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: Alone!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: Blow in her ear!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: How do you really confuse a blonde?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: Toes go in first!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: Trying to hold on to a thought!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: Third Grade!View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: FaithOut Of Gas¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A nun who works for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a station just down the street. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The attendant regretfully told her that the only can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men walked by. One of them turned to the other and said: "Now that is what I call faith!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PastorsThe Answer¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card and wrote on the back: Revelation 3:20 and stuck it in the door.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation Genesis 3:10.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: LawyersLegally Dead¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The Journal of the Massachusetts Bar recorded this exchange between an anonymous attorney and a pathologist in a recent murder trial:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "No."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Did you check for breathing?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "No."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "So then, is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "No."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "How can you be so sure?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Even then, this would-be Perry Mason refused to throw in the towel:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Is it possible the patient could be alive, nevertheless?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "It is possible that he could have been alive," said the pathologist, "and practicing the law somewhere."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DeathBumping the Wall¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A funeral service was being held in a small town funeral parlor for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bumped into a wall and shook the casket. Hearing a faint moan, they open the casket and found out that the woman was actually alive!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ For ten more years, the women enjoyed good health and then suddenly died. A ceremony is again held at the same funeral parlor. At the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ As they make their way toward the door, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: SportsA Round Of Golf¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Three men went out to play a round of golf, Moses, Jesus and an old man. Moses tee'd off first, and the ball landed in the water. He parted the water, and hit the ball in for a birdie.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Jesus tee'd off next, and the ball landed in the water. He then walked on the water, and hit the ball in for a birdie.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Lastly the old man tee'd off, but before the ball could hit the water, a fish jumped out and caught the ball in it's mouth. Then an eagle swooped down and caught the fish. Lightening then struck near the eagle, frightening it, and it dropped the fish. When the fish hit the ground, it dropped the ball in for a perfect hole in one.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Jesus and Moses turn to the old man, and Jesus said, "Dad, if you don't quit playing like that, we're not going to bring you anymore."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

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