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ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

Clean Christian joke of the day.
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Today's category: GodWhere's God Two little boys were best friends at church, but they both had a reputation for getting into trouble. One Sunday, one of the boys was home sick, but the other boy, not wanting to let his friend down, was twice as bad as normal. As he was running through the sanctuary after church, the pastor grabbed him and angrily said, "Where's God?!" The little boy was frightened and didn't know what to say. The pastor continued, "I want you to go home and think about it and I don't want you to come back until you can tell me where God is." The boy went home and called his sick friend on the telephone. "Guess what," he said. "They've lost God, and they're trying to blame that one on us, too."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PoliticsImprovements The Old Cherokee Chief sat in his humble reservation hut smoking his ceremonial pipe and eyeing the two visiting U.S. Government officials who had been sent to interview his opinion of the white man's progress. "Chief", one offical began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products -- you have seen all his progress and his problems." The Chief nodded "Yes". The official continued, "Considering recent events, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?" The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied: "When white found this land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty deer, turkey and beaver. Women did most of the cooking and crop work. Medicine man free to help sick. Indian men hunted and fished all the time. We never had cheating hushands and wives--we kill cheaters." The Chief smiled and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Men vs. WomenHappy To Be A Guy 1) Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 2) You know stuff about tanks. 3) A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. 4) You can open all your own jars. 5) Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind. 6) You can go to the bathroom without a support group. 7) You don't have to learn to spell a new last name. 8) You can leave the motel bed unmade. 9) You can kill your own food. 10) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 11) Wedding plans take care of themselves. 12) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. 13) Your underwear is 10$ for a three-pack. 14) If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. 15) Everything on your face stays its original color. 16) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. 17) Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. 18) You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming. 19) Car mechanics tell you the truth. 20) You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me." 21) Same work... more pay. 22) Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. 23) Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental – 75 bucks. 24) You don't mooch off other's desserts. 25) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. 26) If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. 27) You pals can be trusted never to trap you with. "So, notice anything different?" 28) You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. 29) You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. 30) You almost never have strap problems in public. 31) You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. 32) The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. 33) You don't have to shave below your neck. 34) At least a few belches are expected and tolerated. 35) Your belly usually hides your big hips. 36) One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. 37) You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. 38) You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. 39) Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: TechnologyGates Gets Punished Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go." Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?" Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell. When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven." Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity. Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons. "So, how is everything going?" God asked. Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women? "That was the demo," replied God.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: AnimalsThe Hamster and the Frog A mangy looking guy walks into a very classy restaurant and orders a steak. The waitress says: "I'm sorry, but I don't think you can pay for your meal." The guy admits, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me my supper?" The waitress, both curious and compassionate, says, "Only if what you show me isn't risqué." "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the ground and it runs across the room, directly to a piano. The hamster then proceeds to climb up the piano, and starts playing Gershwin songs. The waitress says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy sits back and enjoys a fine steak supper with all the trimmings. Shortly thereafter, he asks the waitress, "Can I have a piece of that fine blueberry pie I see on the dessert cart over there?" "Only if you got another miracle up your sleeve", says the waitress. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the table, and the frog starts to sing up a storm! A stranger from a nearby table runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the restaurant with dollar signs in his eyes and a big smile on his face. The waitress says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions!" "No", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Old FolksPrayer of Senility For those of us who are getting a little older: Prayer for Senility God grant me the Senility to forget the people never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference...View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Old FolksLong Happy Life A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,"she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing,"the woman said. "How old are you?' "Twenty-six," he said.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: BlondesPOOF Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room, there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie, *POOF* you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again. A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I`m the most beautiful woman in the world." *POOF* The mirror swallows her. Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I think I`m the sexiest woman alive! *POOF* The mirror swallows her. Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." *POOF*View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: CrimeEndangered Species One beautiful autumn day, a Park Ranger discovered a man sitting in the woods chewing away on a dead Bald Eagle. "Hey mister, the Bald Eagle is a protected species, and killing one is punishable offence", said the Park Ranger. The man was swiftly arrested, and ushered before the judge. In court, he pleaded innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. "I was so hungry" complained the defensive camper, "the Bald Eagle was the only food I could find!" To everyone's amazement, the judge ruled in his favor. In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. But I'd like to know: What did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a Whooping Crane and a Spotted Owl."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: GodLetters To God Dear God, In Sunday School they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? - Jane Dear God, I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. - Elliot Dear God, Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you?" Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. - Darla Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! - Eugene Dear God, I read the Bible. What does "begat" mean? Nobody will tell me. - Allison Dear God, Are you really invisible or is that a trick? - Lucy Dear God, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? - Anita Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? - Norma Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? - Cindy Dear God, Who draws the lines around countries? - Nan Dear God, The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool". But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. - Edward Dear God, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? - Neil Dear God, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. - Robert Dear God, Thank You for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce Dear God, Why is Sunday School on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. - TomView hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: ChurchYou Never Hear in Church Hey! It's MY turn to sit on the front pew! I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went over time 25 minutes. Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf. I've decided to give our church the $500.00 a month I used to send to TV evangelists. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class. Forget the denominational minimum salary: let's pay our pastor so s/he can live like we do. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before! Since we're all here, let's start the worship service early! Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Men vs. WomenToo Much Talk A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men. He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, whereas women use 20,000 words per day. His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. Her husband looked stunned. He said "What?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: CopsA Bad Move A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!" "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice night", said the officer.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: SportsCalling in Sick Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions. One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!" There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: LawyersHeart Transplant A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object. "I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 24 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, and a steak lover. It's $500,000." "Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!" "Yeah, but it's from a lawyer and never been used."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DeathThe Sensitive Guy Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll have to inform his wife. Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a large pizza. "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff. "Yep", replies Bob. "Say, where did you get the pizza?" Bob informs Jeff. "She bought it for me." "WHAT??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she bought you a pizza?" "Sure," Bob says. "WHY?" asks Jeff. "Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a pizza you ARE!'"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: HeavenIt's Free, This is Heaven This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?". Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PoliticsGarden of Eden A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking nude in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are definitely Russian."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: FaithThe Fall A man named Jack was walking along a steep cliff one day, when he accidentally got too close to the edge and fell. On the way down he grabbed a branch, which temporarily stopped his fall. He looked down and to his horror saw that the canyon fell straight down for more than a thousand feet. He couldn't hang onto the branch forever, and there was no way for him to climb up the steep wall of the cliff. So Jack began yelling for help, hoping that someone passing by would hear him and lower a rope or something. HELP! HELP! Is anyone up there? "HELP!" He yelled for a long time, but no one heard him. He was about to give up when he heard a voice. Jack, Jack. Can you hear me?" "Yes, yes! I can hear you. I'm down here!" "I can see you, Jack. Are you all right?" "Yes, but who are you, and where are you? "I am the Lord, Jack. I'm everywhere." "The Lord? You mean, GOD?" "That's Me." "God, please help me! I promise if, you'll get me down from here, I'll stop sinning. I'll be a really good person. I'll serve You for the rest of my life." "Easy on the promises, Jack. Let's get you off from there; then we can talk." "Now, here's what I want you to do. Listen carefully." "I'll do anything, Lord. Just tell me what to do." "Okay. Let go of the branch.""What?" "I said, let go of the branch. Just trust Me. Let go." There was a long silence. Finally Jack yelled, "HELP! HELP! IS ANYONE ELSE UP THERE?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PastorsThe Talking Frog A pastor was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week" The pastor took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and give you anything you want." Again the pastor took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and give you anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The pastor said, "Look I'm an pastor. I already have a wife, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MarriageBlack and White Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DeathThe Dying Preacher An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats. Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?" The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: ChurchThree Hymns One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. And there sat our Rosie all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: SchoolAnger vs. Exasperation A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?" The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean." With that, the father went to the telephone an dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?" The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?" "See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something, and we annoyed him. Now watch . . ." The father dialed the same number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father. "Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number, and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver was slammed down hard. The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means." He dialed the same number, and a violent voice roared, "HELLO!" The father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PastorsBats in your Belfry Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One of them said, "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with them flying bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything, but nothing seems to scare them off. Another pastor said "Yes, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away!" The third pastor said, "I baptized all mine, made them members of the church, and they haven't seen one back since!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

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