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ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

Clean Christian joke of the day.
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Today's category: PoliticsLetter to Heaven¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A little boy wanted 100 dollars badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the money. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, they decided to send it to the President¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a 10 dollar bill. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The little boy was delighted with the money and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord, which read:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, and as usual, those jerks deducted 90%. Love, TommyView hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PrayerAtheist Prayer-line¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ They have Dial-a-Prayer for atheists now.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ You call up and it rings and rings but nobody answers.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PoliticsWhat's He Going To Be¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. So they decided to do a small test.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ They put a note on the front hall table that they had left. Around the note they put a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey. Then they hid, pretending they were not at home.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The father told his wife, "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible, he will be a pastor, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a no-good drunkard."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son read the note that they had left.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Then he took the ten-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ After that, he took the Bible, flipped through it, and put it under his arm.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The father slapped his forehead and said: "This is worse than I could ever have imagined!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "What? asked the wife.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Our son is going to be a politician!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DeathThe Diagnosis¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A women accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 1. Each morning , fix him a healthy breakfast.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 5. Don't burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 6. Don't discuss your problems with him.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "You're going to die," she replied.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MarriagePrivate Grief¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: CopsThe Ultimate VIP¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The Pope has just finished a tour of the Napa Valley and is taking a limousine to San Francisco. Having never driven a limo, he asks the chauffeur if he can drive for a while. Since the chauffeur really doesn't have much of a choice, he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The Pope proceeds down Silverado, and starts accelerating to see what the limo can do. He gets to about 90 MPH, and suddenly he sees the red and blue lights of the highway patrol in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The trooper, seeing who it is, says, 'Just a moment please, I need to call in.' The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how he should handle it.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 'It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?' asks the chief.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 'No Sir!' replies the trooper, 'This guy's more important.'¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 'Is it the Governor?' asks the chief.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 'No! Even more important!' replies the trooper.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 'Is it the PRESIDENT??? asks the chief.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 'No! Even more important!' replies the trooper.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 'Well WHO THE HECK is it?' screams the chief.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 'I don't know Sir.' replies the trooper, 'but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur.'View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MilitarySecure The Building¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ One reason the Armed Services have trouble operating jointly is that they have very different meanings for the same terms;¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The Joint Chiefs once told the Navy to "secure a building," to which they responded by turning off the lights and locking the doors.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The Joint Chiefs then instructed Army personnel to "secure the building," and they occupied the building so no one could enter.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Upon receiving the exact same order, the Marines assaulted the building, captured it, and set up defences with suppressive fire and amphibious assault vehicals, established reconnaissance and communications channels, and prepared for close hand-to-hand combat if the situation arose.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ But the Air Force, on the other hand, acted most swiftly on the command, and took out a three-year lease with an option to buy.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: ChurchMeeting of the Board¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service," announced the pastor.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ After the close of the service, the Church Board gathered at the back of the auditorium for the announced meeting. But there was a stranger in their midst -- a visitor who had never attended their church before.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "My friend," said the pastor, "Didn't you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Yes," said the visitor, "and after today's sermon, I suppose I'm just about as bored as anyone else who came to this meeting."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: SchoolPhilosophy Class¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A college student was in a philosophy class, where there was a class discussion about whether or not God exists, The professor had the following logic:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The student did not like the sound of this at all, and asked for permission to speak. The professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Absolute silence.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?" When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The student received an "A" in the class.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: TechnologyNew Year's Resolutions¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 1. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 7 e-mail addresses.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 3. I resolve to work with neglected children - my own.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 4. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 5. I resolve to back up my 10GB hard drive daily...well, once a week...okay, monthly then...or maybe...¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 6. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 7. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I won't reply "MS Tech Support."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 8. I will read the manual.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 9. I will think of a password other than "password."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 10. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: HeavenVisitor To Heaven¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has to go the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, and Jesus says "Fine." St. Pete takes the book which lists everyone who's supposed to get into Heaven with him to the bathroom to have something to read. ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ As Jesus is standing there, he sees this old man leading a donkey up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter's tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus tells him he doesn't have the book, but asks the old man to explain his life and why he felt he should be admitted into heaven. Jesus would then make the decision whether or not to let him in based on the story. ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The man explains "In English, my name would be Joseph, but I didn't live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I'm not remembered very well by most people, but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him, he didn't really come into this world in the usual way. ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavory characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My single biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be reunited with my son." ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Jesus is awestruck by the man's story. He looks into the old man's eyes and asks, "Are you MY earthly father?" ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The old man's face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks, "Are you my Pinocchio?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: HusbandsThe Fiance¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A young woman brought her fiance home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The father invited the fiancee to his study for a talk. "So what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I am a Biblical scholar," he replies.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "A Biblical scholar. Hmmm," the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The conversation proceeded like this, and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insists that God will provide.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Later, the mother asked, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answered, "He has no job and no plans, and he thinks I'm God."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: SchoolKiss The Mirror¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A Christian middle school for girls was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called several of the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ To demonstrate how much work they were making for the custodian, she asked him to clean one of the mirrors while the girls watched.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The custodian took a long-handled brush, dipped it into the nearest toilet, and proceeded to scrub the mirror.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ From that day on, the problem of lip prints on the mirrors was completely eliminated.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PilotsDrumming Up Business¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Men vs. WomenFor Married Couples Only¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ How to satisfy your wife every time¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, puree, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ How to satisfy a man every time¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Show up naked.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MarriageWedding Rehearsal¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the minister with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ He passed the minister the cash and walked away satisfied.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the minister looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The groom leaned toward the minister and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The minister put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: SermonsBetter Than Einstein¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ At the conclusion of the sermon, the worshipers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister. As one of them left, he shook the minister's hand, thanked him for the sermon and said, "Thanks for the message, Reverend. You know, you must be smarter than Einstein." Beaming with pride, the minister said, "Why, thank you, brother!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man's compliment. The more he thought, the more he became baffled as to why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So he decided to ask the man the following Sunday.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The next Sunday he asked the parishioner if he remembered the previous Sunday's comment about the sermon. The parishioner replied that he did. The minister asked: "Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The man replied, "Well, Reverend, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But Reverend, no one can understand you."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: RednecksYou're A Redneck Jedi If¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 1. You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 2. Your Jedi robe is camouflage.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 3. At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 4. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 5. You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 6. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 7. Wookies are offended by your B.O.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 8. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 9. Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 10. You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electroshock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 11. You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 12. Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 13. You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PoliticsWelcome To America¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A foreign visitor was being given a tour of Washington, D.C. one day by an American friend of hers. She was amazed at the size of the Monuments, the Congressional Buildings, and so forth. Finally she gazed upon the White House itself.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "My, that's an incredibly large building!" she remarked.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Yes, it's pretty big, alright." said her friend.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Big? It's huge!! About how many people work in there?" she asked.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Oh... about half."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: LawyersThe Know-it-all¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defence attorney?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counsellors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: WivesAddicted to Quilting¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ She learned to quilt on Monday.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Her stitches all were very fine.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ She forgot to thaw out dinner.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ so we went out to dine.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ She quilted miniatures on Tuesday.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ she says they are a must.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ They really were quite lovely.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ But she forgot to dust.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ On Wednesday it was a sampler.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ She says stippling's fun.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ What highlights! What Shadows!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ But the laundry wasn't done.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Nine patches were on Thursday -¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Green, yellow, blue and red.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ I guess she really was engrossed;¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ She never made the bed.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ It was wall hangings on Friday,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ In colors she adores.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ It never bothered her at all,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ That crumbs were on the floors.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ I found a maid on Saturday,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ My week is now complete.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ My wife can quilt the hours away;¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The house will still be neat.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Well, now it's only Sunday,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ I think I'm about to wilt.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ I cursed, I raved, I ranted,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Cause the MAID has learned to QUILT!View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: GreedGenie Joke¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The man says "Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red, brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: TechnologyThe Phone¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A young man wanted to get his beautiful wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The next day the wifey goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "how do you like your new phone?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ She replies "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "What's that, baby?" asks the husband.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "How'd you know I was at Wal-Mart?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MiscellaneousSign of the Times¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Plumber "We repair what your husband Fixed."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania "Don't sleep with a drip, call your plumber."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Pizza shop slogan "7 days without pizza makes one Weak."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Sign at the psychic's Hotline "Don't call us, we'll call you."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - At A Laundry Shop "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Billboard on the side of the road "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - On an Electricians truck "Let us remove your shorts."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - In a Nonsmoking Area " If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - On Maternity Room Door "Push, Push, Push."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - At an Optometrists Office "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - On a Taxidermist's window "We really know our stuff."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - In a Podiatrist's office "Time wounds all heels."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - On a Butchers window "Let me meat your needs."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - On a fence "Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - At a car Dealership "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Outside a Muffler Shop "No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Outside a Hotel "Help! We need inn-experienced people."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - On a desk in a reception room "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - In a Veterinarians waiting room "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay! "¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - At the Electric Company "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - On the door of a Computer Store "Out for a quick byte."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - In a Restaurant window "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Inside a Bowling Alley "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - In the front yard of a funeral home "Drive carefully, we'll wait."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - In a counselors office "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: BibleThe Oil Find¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend

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